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Saturday, March 28, 2009

Just say No: To Garlic !! Oh yeah...and also Easter Decorations

I haven't been to one of those "home parties" for years.

You know the kind(s) I mean: those Tupperware parties, candle parties, home interior parties, etc.

I decided years ago that the things they sell at those parties are usually way over-priced, they are things I really don't need and they prey on the fact that you are at a friend's house and so you are obligated to buy stuff (and you do). (And regret it later).

So, after a hiatus of not going to these type of parties for years, I had a moment of weakness when a dear friend I hadn't seen in a while asked me to attend a party where they sell foods.
(I won't name the kind of party, but you probably have gone to one. It is where they pass around different samples of foods for you to taste and then you can order the food products that you tasted at the end of the party).

So, against my better judgement, I said yes, I will attend.

I get there on time.

I look around.

I know no one other than the hostess and one other woman in a room of about twenty-five senior-aged women.

The hostess's house is decorated to the hilt with Easter decorations. I mean, everywhere you look. To the point of being ridiculous.

There are cute bunnies in the foyer. There are cute bunny candles on every end table.

The salt and pepper shakers are chicks and eggs.

She has dainty pastel dishes full of chocolate easter candies on every table.

I begin to wonder if the Hostess is wearing Easter underwear.

The plates and cups are all Easter-themed.

I introduce myself and do some small talk with a few of the ladies there.

A few ladies are chatting (that know each other) but other than that, it is quiet.

Very quiet. (Which will be an element which will have more importance in what is to come in my story).

I sit down in the only seat available: in the middle of the circle, squished in on a couch with two other women.

I place my Diet Coke on the Bunny coaster on the end table next to me, right next to the Easter Egg tree dripping in hanging Easter eggs.

The Seller starts the party and begins to hand out Bunny plates of things to taste.

Several plates of things get passed around the circle, one right after the other.

Several of them are seasoned with garlic.

At this point, I should tell you that garlic and I have a bad relationship/history.

I like it.

It does not like me.

The best way to explain it is that you could synchronize your watches and if I have ingested any form of garlic: I will be heading for the nearest toilet exactly within 22 minutes of having had it.
Literally 22 minutes. Count them. 22 minutes.

Unfortunately, the presentation is now 25 minutes long.

My stomach lurches and begins to rumble.


Out of politeness, no one says anything about hearing it.

I see no sideways glances.

But, I know everyone there hears it. (I told you it was quiet in the room!)

Large beads of sweat begin to form on my forehead.

The Seller announces that she is done with the main entree presentation (Thank God! I say to myself) when she also proclaims:
"And now, ladies, wait until you taste these desserts!"

I change positions on the couch, clenching all my rectal abdominal muscles possible.

I know the outcome is inevitable.

I am praying that I can hold back the forces for just ten more minutes.

I am afraid to breathe.

The Seller passes around 4 more plates of pound cake with decadent fudge sauces and caramel drizzles.

The ladies next to me on the couch say to me: "Don't you want to try these, honey? They look so scrumptous".

I blurt out (in Lamaze-type half breaths): "No thanks, I am just too full (stomach rumbling louder now) from the other good stuff that we sampled!".

I look around the room in a panic for the shortest escape, for the For-the-Love-of-God-let-me-out-of-here most direct route to the hallway, where I know the shit-can bathroom is.

The Seller finally announces that this is the last plate Thank you, Jesus she is sending around the tasting circle.

I pass it to my left and as soon as the lady takes it out of my hands, I stand up, praying that I don't shit my pants all hell doesn't let loose right there on her cream colored satin couch and beige carpet.

I literally run down her hall and into the bathroom.

I barely get unzipped and make it on time to the toilet.

I know I must be as quiet as possible doing my business, because I can hear the ladies in the other room clearly--talking as they filled out their order blanks by now.

I turn the water on full blast to try and disguise shatting full blast what is the entire contents of my stomach (including the contents of all ten miles of of my guts intestines) emptying.

I flush the toilet, clean up as best as possible, and finally stand up and zip my pants.

At which point, the pressure immediately occurs again.

I hurriedly unzip my pants, sit down again, and it occurs all over again.

I do this three frickin' times.

By now, there is a line outside the bathroom of other ladies wanting to use the facilities.
They are probably thinking I am a bulemic and vomiting up all the food from the party. At least, that is what I hoped. That would be a hell of a lot better than them knowing the real truth.

I am now panicking and wondering how to camoflouge odors that I cannot even describe (nor do you want me to).

There are only two delicate hand towels laying on the counter. Pastel (of course!) with (what else?): bunnies on them.

Right next to the Easter egg hand soap container.

Oh, and next to the bunny candles.

I clean my hands for several minutes, to make sure I am clean, thus practically wrecking saturating one of the little Easter towels with water and God-knows-what-other-residue.

I spray the entire room with some kind of sickening lavender aerosol room deodorizer, making sure there is no trace of stench evidence left in or around the toilet.

I open the bathroom door, and to my relief there is no one waiting now.
I believe someone had directed them into the master bedroom's bathroom instead.

Relieved, I return to the main room and, without giving anyone much eye contact, hastily filled out my order for some over-priced food items I didn't need in the first place .

I hug the hostess goodbye, thank her for inviting me, make some lame excuse about needing to drive home before it got too dark and headed out of her house.

We live 25 minutes from her house.

I got home, slammed the car door and sprinted into our house.

My husband said: "Hi, was the party?"

To which I blurted out: "GARLIC!!! LOOK OUT!"

We've been married 36 years.

He understood.

He immediately moved over and I headed straight for the closest bathroom to the back door.

I almost didn't make it.

To make matters worse, when I looked at my order form this morning: I had ordered one wrong item. I wanted one thing, and in a haste to leave the party, I mistakenly ordered the item above it on the order blank.

Now, I will not only get several overpriced food items I didn't need, but one that I don't even like.

Well, at least the Hostess (my dear friend) will make some money from her party. (So she can go out and buy more Easter decorations with her profits).

God, I gotta go to more of these "at home" parties.

They are so much fun!!!


A New England Life said...

Oh gosh, I hear you! Not with the bathroom part but the rest of it. I hate those parties too. I think most people know I won't come now even if they invite me. It's all such a racket. Over priced and useless it right!

I too like garlic but I can taste it for what seems like days after eating it. It leaves the grossest taste in my mouth when I wake up the next morning. Yuk!

Hope you are finally recovered. Next time you get that invite just say no ; )

All the bunny stuff .... lol!

Kellie said...

LMAO! Very cute! I love it!

Can I say no to pampered chef too?

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

You're hilarious! I had that happen to me too, and it's not because of garlic...I did a post about it a while ago. Don't remember the title though, so you'd have to search for it. Something about Rumbling...

I hope you've recovered.

It's too bad about the garlic, though. I love garlic.

Fran Hill said...

Did the item you ordered by accident contain ... I won't say it in case the very sound of it sends you to the smallest room, but, you know, the G word?

Ann said...

That's enough to traumatize a person for life.........

Lynn Kellan said...

Too darn funny! I am laughing out loud as I read your post! In a sense, you and I are living parallel lives as we deal with "number 2" over this weekend.

I hope you are feeling better! By the way, blueberries are my kryptonite.

Lynn from For Love or Funny

The Retired One said...

A New England Life: Yes, I am no longer "hopping" to the toilet. I am recovered. haaaa

Kellie: Yes, as in the drug slogan: Just Say NO!!

Mary: I love the taste of garlic on steak, etc. So if I eat it, I just have to be home and suffer the consequences. Ha.

Fran: No, I didn't order anything with the G word..thank goodness!

Grannyann: Oh, I have had lots of things to traumatize my life. ha Go back on my blog to the older posts and read about the top three most embarrassing moments...

Lynn: I have heard about the blueberries cure before too. Luckily, I have recovered. Hope your toilet is fixed this weekend. (Just in case I come to visit and eat some of your garlic). ha

Insanitykim said...

Hey, where did my first comment go? It was a good one!

Oh well...

The Retired One said...

Insanity Kim: What first comment?

The Retired One said...

Insanity Kim: There was a comment about my last post (about the return of the planer one) that the one you mean????

J.J. in L.A. said...

This was hilarious! And I can SOOOO relate because I have to take medication before I eat (or all hell breaks loose, if you get my drift).

My 'garlic' is sesame seeds and mayonnaise. Ever go to a hamburger joint that doesn't use mayonnaise or have sesame seeds on their buns? You see my dilemma.

Anonymous said...

OMG LOLLLLLLLLLL I needed this post!

Insanitykim said...

I left one here...let me try again...ahem...

Wow! Remind me never to go out to a restaurant with you; we would shut the building down!! HAHAHAH!

See? Wasn't that good? Sigh...

Rick (Ratty) said...

That was hilarious! As I was reading it, there was a TV commercial for some product called Colon Health, that aired three times!

pehpot said...

oh my it is a horrible experience? I end up laughing so hard LOL

Make or Break

rainfield61 said...

Someone loves garlic someone doesn't, unfortunately this was your times.

Maniacal Mommy said...

I was my own best customer when I sold Tupperware. Apparently I stink at sales, but the discount sure was nice!

These days it is jalapenos for me (probably the pregnancy). Just as my gorgeous jalapeno crop was ready for harvest, it quickly became evident that I was not meant to enjoy them. Unless I wanted to really see if I could eject rocket fuel from my posterior, that is.

I love me some potty humor in the morning!

Anonymous said...

I feel your "pain"...and concern! You are a true gem! Enjoy whatever it is ya bought and don't need. It can serve as a reminder....

The Retired One said...

JJ: You poor thing! For you, it is McColon, then??

Debb: So glad my explosion was your entertainment.ha

Insanity Kim: did you say SHUT the building down? Or Sh-t the building down? haaa......

Ratty: ummm...did you get their phone number for me?

Pehpot: you can understand why I couldn't laugh at the time....the pressure would have done me in!

Rainfield: yes. As Shakespeare said: To garlic, or not to garlic! (With me, it should always be NOT).

Maniacal: Was that a Freudian slip when you said you STINK at sales?
Remind me not to grow any garlic anytime soon...

Cathy: I will try to enjoy what I ordered, but you can be sure I will check their labels to make sure NONE of it contains garlic!

Kristi said...

Poor baby. I must be evil, because I was a little glad about the garlic -- seriously, how BORING would that party have been without the garlic?!

Michele said...

Oh my goodness, I love your story and I don't like garlic at all, not for your reasons that your wrote about, but just for the taste of it and neither does my hubby! Yea! You were way too polite too wait it out, I think I would've excused myself and left the party all together thus giving everyone second thoughts about ordering any food in fear that perhaps there's something wrong with it! LOL

My weakness food is mushrooms and broccoli... cannot eat them even though I like 'em.

The Retired One said...

Kristi: You are new to my blog,no? Welcome aboard!
Please go to the upper left hand corner and click on "follow this blog" and become a regular reader, I would love it! (if you haven't already!)
You are right...the party was NOT boring after what I like to call: "the garlic incident".

Michele: I don't know why I sat thru it....maybe the Bunnies had me hypnotized. ha

Unknown said...

OMGosh,I've 'been there, done that' at a similar party! Mine wasn't due to the eating of garlic, I just had a little stomach virus that I was unaware of... but didn't stay that way for long. Thankfully, the hostess was a good friend who totally understood and kept everyone away from 'my' bathroom until I felt it was safe to exit and find my way home.
This was so funny and nostalgic, for me at least, at the same time!

The Retired One said...

Gaston: I am so glad I am not the only one this happened to! Misery loves company, no? Thanks for making me feel better!

jessica said...

Uh-huh - I always tell everyone that where my blog started to "come together" was when I took the (old) advice from high school English class: write about what you know best. And of course WE give ourselves the greatest, most wonderful material. I laughed throughout the telling, but I am sure it was a miserable experience. But maybe you increased the stock value of Charmin?

The Retired One said...

Jessica: I could be the CEO of Charmin after that experience. And soap...and water. Thank goodness it was all over in about 5 hours after.

Anonymous said...

OMG! I laughed until the tears came...not at you, though. with you. Because I can't tell you how many times i've been in that situation. I have ulcerative colitis and that whole bit about trying to be quiet. I thought I was the only one who dealt with this problem but I see by the many posts that i'm in good company. Being trapped at one of those parties is the worst kind of hell to start with.

Kearsie said...


I'm not really laughing with you as laughing at you. You and my husband, geez, the world needs more bathrooms.

The Retired One said...

Lorrie: Glad I "flushed" your tears out too. ha

Kearsie: Ok, go ahead and laugh AT me...karma, baby, karma. Now I curse you with a future explosion that I am sure you will end up blogging about, too.

Kearsie said...

Actually, this story is me with ice cream. I'll admit it.

The Retired One said...

Kearsie: Everybody has their archilles heel, right?

DKG aka Scrappy Doo said...

Scrappy Doo

The Retired One said...

Scrappy Doo: I probably could have been called Scrappy DOO-DOO after that experience. ha

Sharon said...

You were right--I had to put my head down on the desk and blot up my drool with Kleenex, I was laughing so hard over this. I totally agree with you about the "at home" parties. Years ago, I found out I was INSTANTLY allergic to Mary Kay cosmetics at a home party, and I did have to bolt for the bathroom to try to get the stuff off. But that's nothing to compared to your garlic story. Now listen: our Easter bunnies are tastefully arranged!

The Retired One said...

Sharon: So glad you enjoyed the blog post. I just had to giggle when I saw your bunnies on your table on your instantly reminded me of the party. Yours are really cute, and I even have some up at my house, so that's okay. But no bunnies in my bathroom. haaaaaa!!!

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I retired in June 2008 and started my blog in November 2008. I worked at several jobs as a Registered Nurse prior to retirement. I LOVE being retired! Blogging has offered me a whole new venue to start writing again and to share new hobbies such as gardening, birdwatching and sharing my nature photography. If you like my blog, PLEASE click on "follow this blog". Having a lot of followers reading my blog gives me incentive to continue to do photography and to continue to write. I also LOVE comments, so I encourage you to leave me a comment after you read my posts. Thanks everyone, for taking the time to read me!!

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