Time for yet another "Random thoughts about Random Subjects". Today's is: " Should I have Reconsidered buying that used car with the mystery stain?"
1. We are
2. I like to call it "going green".
3. On everything.
4. Most of our house has used things in it.
5. Except my underwear. That would just plain be gross.
6. Where was I?
7. Oh yeah. Being green. (Get your mind off the underwear, gheesh!)
8. So, we have never bought a new car. Never. Not in our 38 + years of
blistered blissful marriage.
9. So when our last clunker died and went to rusty-car heaven, we went looking for our next victim.
10. Oh, wait. That's not correct. Our last car was driven down to Florida in a frenzy because our youngest daughter's car died an ugly death and she needed something fast to be able to like, feed herself by going to work every day. So, being the awesome parents we are, we drove down and gave it to her.
11. I know, like you care.
12. Anyway, a friend of mine at work advertised on Facebook that he had a used car for sale.
13. I know what you are thinking: never, ever buy a used car from a friend. Nope. I was cool with that. So we inquired and got interested. The car was used at the local hospital as a car to transport the Physical Therapists to see patients. It didn't have a lot of mileage on it, but they wanted to upgrade to bigger cars to be safer on our snowcovered roads and that was why they were selling it. We have a four wheel drive for winter, so this was a nice solution for us to get a smaller car for better gas mileage. OH, WTF am I telling you all of that anyway? You don't give a rat's ass. Moving on.
14. Basic little car, good gas mileage...good price. Sounded good to us.
15. We had the guy drive it over to our house for last inspection, to test drive it, you know, the usual kicking the tires kind of thing.
16. He arrived at dusk.
17. We were not to be outsmarted, being the brilliant minds that we are. We had a flashlight and a spotlight above our garage.
18. To our surprise, the car looked pretty darn good. No major dents, scratches, etc. It purred like a kitten (and not even a sick kitten).
19. So I ask if I can take it for a spin, and of course he agrees so my hubby and I get ready to slip in and take it for THE. TEST. DRIVE.
20. As I open the driver's door, I notice the outline of something on the seat. Kind of a medium-sized irregular shadowy little thing (like the chalk outline of a dead body on CSI).
21. The Seller notices that I notice.
22. Without making eye contact (note this fact for later discussion), he murmurs: "Yeah, ahem...I spilled some coffee there." "I tried to wipe it up...but you know guys, I probably didn't use the right stuff".
23. Note to self: no eye contact is NOT a good thing.
24. I reach down and feel the chalked outline area with my hand. It is dry. Alrighty then, let's test drive, shall we?
25. The car was great. Handled just fine, price was right and we came back and bought it.
26. It has been the best car ever. Drove it to Florida and back and all over hell's creation and it is fantastic. Better than the "ha-ha-we-are-rich-and-we-ran-out-and-immediately-bought-a-trendy-zillion-dollar-hybrid-car-with-better-gas-mileage-than-you-you-peon" kind of car.
27. It gets great gas mileage and no car payments.
28. But I didn't realize THE SHAME of the STAIN curse.
29. And. I have tried a zillion and a half products on the mystery stain. It won't come out.
30. Now, when I transport anyone (besides family, because hey, what is a mystery stain between blood relatives, anyway?) I quickly either put a seat cushion over it to hide it, or quickly sit my ass on it so no one notices it and get out of the car last. Thank GOD it does not smell.
31. I have several theories about THE STAIN. Some, funny.
32. Some, not so funny.
33. Some, just too horrid to think about.
34. It could very well be pee.
35. I mean, it could happen.
36. Some person, driving it...some idiot cutting him off on the freeway and HOLY SHIT I AM GONNA DIE, OH GOD, I JUST PISSED MY PANTS kinda happening.
37. Or, some person, driving it and a deer runs in front of the headlights, like two inches in front of him/her, and HOLY SHIT I AM GONNA DIE. OH GOD, I JUST PISSED MY PANTS kinda thing.
38. Or, some blue-haired granny, (you've seen 'em), barely seeing over the steering wheel, swerving down the street because she can't handle the steering wheel and like, actually think at the same time....who sneezed and well, you know.. (well those of you that are old and have had a zillion babies know) what might have happened....and since she clearly cannot remember how to use a turn signal, how the hell would she have remembered to wear her Depends?
39. Anyhoo....I try not to think of it everytime I drive the car. And I sure as hell am not going to do a "scratch and sniff" thing to figure out just what in the hell the stain is, REALLY. I prefer to believe the guy and think it is a Starbucks stain.
40. And, most of the time, I make my hubby drive so I can sit on the "clean side". I know. I am AWESOME.
41. But I know how I am going to make money, people. For reals.
42. They have cancer-sniffing dogs, and marijuana-sniffing dogs, right?
43. Well, I am going to market Starbucks-sniffing trained dogs. And then, I'm gonna keep one of the dogs for my personal use.
44. Not only will the trained dog be able to confirm any car mystery stains to indeed, be Starbucks stains...but since all dogs naturally hang their heads out of the window and sniff...I can train the little bugger to sniff out the nearest Starbucks on the freeway and give me a signal whenever it smells one.
45. I'm gonna be RICH, I tell ya!
46. I just hope the dog is not old, hasn't had a zillion puppies and that she isn't prone to sneezing when she gets excited. Otherwise, we are in for a whole new set of "problems".