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Thursday, February 5, 2009

It's Thursday...Time for the Local Police Reports!!

As promised, I am going to try and regularly post a copy of some of our funny local police reports that end up in our local newspaper.

These are from some time ago, but I think they are still pretty funny.

Here is the first one:
In case you can't read the print, it says:
2:36 p.m.: two guys selling meat out of a truck, city-wide.

I don't know about you, but there is a lot of road kill on some of our highways. I sure hope they got at least $2.00 a pound. (Hey, with a little Hamburger Helper, who could tell?) It's America, damn it. What about all that free enterprise hoopla?

Here is the second one:
For those of you that can't read the small print, these are the circled ones, and my comments:
3:44 p.m.: Cordless phone picking up other phone conversations (address).
Now, why it possessed someone to report this to the police, I have no idea. Me? I wouldv'e listened in for about an hour and used the conversations in my blog. (Or to make an extra $100 bucks.) I mean, some of those conversations can be pretty juicy. Who can't use the extra blackmail money?
9:47 p.m.: person sitting in truck for hours (address).
The person reporting this needs to get a life. First of all, who cares? Second of all, maybe they are homeless. Leave them TF alone. Maybe they are meditating. Maybe they are constipated. Mind your own business. And to send the police over regarding this? This was in the summer, so no danger of hypothermia. Maybe it was this person's spouse, just trying to get away from them a while?
And the last one. (MY personal favorite):
10:32 p.m: person smoked marijuana and became sick.
My question is: Did the person who smoked weed (and got sick) call this in themselves to get help from (hahahahahaha) (wait a minute, I just need to....hahhahahahaaa, catch my breath from laughing) the POLICE?
I have no more to say. (What a dillweed).
Don't you just WISH you lived here?


Lizardo Art said...

Those are pretty funny. I like the one about the cell phone conversations. I'm not sure why they called the police either. I wonder if the operator had to try not to laugh when they took they call. I don't think I could make it through a call like that without laughing.

Anonymous said...

LOL, oh no read it again, it says the weight I need to lose "it might as well be 50" pounds I need to lose instead of the 25-30 LOL. Hope you like me now:) Had to make sure you saw that. BTW, like the police article since hubby is in law enforcement.

Rick (Ratty) said...

I used to have a neighbor that said she liked calling the police on her neighbors when she got bored. She told me she'd never do it to me though. It only took three months for her to change her mind. Apparently my hedges were too high for her, even though they were the shortest in the neighborhood. They still gave me a ticket. I pointed out the other hedges, and the police asked if I wanted to file a complaint. I said no thanks.

Anonymous said...


I think we live in sister towns!! LOL!!

Are you in a small town? It has to be a small town! :-)That is what our police log contains... plus 50 calls for barking dogs!!

Polly said...

This is hilarious. I felt ridiculous sitting at my desk, laughing, until my daughter pointed out, "That's nothing new; you do it all the time, even in the bathroom." I really get a kick out of your blog. Such a good sense of humor and a knack for putting it in writing.

hippo said...

Hey there the Retired One, This is just too much fun to read on. Please keep up the funny post!
p/s: I'm officially a fan now and had link you up.
Please feel free to drop by.

pehpot said...

I crack at the last one.. now my kids are wondering why I am laughing out loud

pehpot said...

and what more.. the blogger's secret code for that comment is panic.. panic from what? from having too much marijuana? LOL

The Retired One said...

Lizardo: gosh I love that name. You gotta tell me how you picked that one for your blog. I bet the Operator laughed too when she got that call. Or, maybe it is the operator that writes the column for them? (If that's the case, she needs help!)

Ratty: you hedge-criminal, you! The same thing happened to my son-in-law, only he built a fence. He went and got all the regs. from where he lives to make sure he made the fence according to code. The day he put it up, the neighbor complained that he couldn't see past it when (s)he drove. (They live on a corner lot). He showed him/her the regs. They complained, and the cops came and told him since the complaint came in, he'd have to move the fence (or take it down). He moved the bloody fence (with much sweat and angst!) People can be a real PIA.

Melissa: Actually, the police reports are from the BIGGEST town we live near, which is still a small town. (Population is about 25,000). It even has a university. But yup, we are very rural. The little village we live on that is on a lake only has about 300 people in the summer and about 30 in the winter.

Polly: Glad I could give you a laugh. It is my personal mission. haha Thanks, honey!

Hippomandak: Love your blog name too. What the heck does it mean? It sounds like the blogger comment made-up ones which I love to blog about. Hmm..let me see....A Hippo and a man dated?...You have GOT to tell us. And THANKS for becoming "a fan"...welcome aboard! I LOVE it when I get new readers. I will stop by your site soon.(Loved your shameless plug!)

Pehpot: Panic? That is too funny! Better than Manic though!

Aria said...

Hey Lady, You've been Tagged! Come on over and see what to do... I have to go notify others, but then I'm coming back to read up on what I've missed! Great day to you!

Aria said...

LOL better reads than here! Here it'd be more like "cow stole farmer's corn ~ ingested evidence" ... "Farmer littered in my yard, wind gusts came up and blew his cotton into my yard" Yours are MUCH more fun to read!

The Retired One said...

Aria: you doll you. I will be going to your site next. Oh, what shall I wear? I haven't even done my hair yet. Damn it.

I think I would like to read your cow reports. I've never tipped a cow, and it is on my bucket list.

Anonymous said...

"Dillweed" is a term that is way underused in our common verbose. I suggest we make this a staple to everyday conversation. As in, "Man, that guy gets on my nerves" "What a dillweed", "This burger needs something" "Try some dillweed", or "What's that weird smell" "I smoked some dillweed". See? A hundred different ways to make that word as cool as "LOL".

I suggest I go home and take a nap.

Anonymous said...

Kearsie: Yes I love words that are multifunctional. Besides, I think I dated a Dillweed once. Haven't we all? I know for SURE I have had a few Dillweeds for bosses, who probably both ate and smoked Dillweed. Then, they married and had little Dillweeds. I gotta stop......

Lesley said...

Your police logs are hysterical! I live in a snooty suburb of Dallas, so ours would read:
"Woman sighted entering Kroger with no makeup on" or "Lexus hits Mercedes which backs into BMW. Police responded in unmarked Jaguar."

What a world.

The Retired One said...

Leslie: How funny! Maybe you have to check out your newspaper and share some snooty ones with us too.
And trust me, if I showed up without makeup, it WOULD be a crime. Premeditated ugly. haha

Anonymous said...

I loved those. Our paper is boring and only says no seat belt or speeding, etc.

The Retired One said...

Granyann: So glad you liked them! I usually post one a week, because our local paper is full of them! Hope you can join my readers as a regular...LOVE THAT!!

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I retired in June 2008 and started my blog in November 2008. I worked at several jobs as a Registered Nurse prior to retirement. I LOVE being retired! Blogging has offered me a whole new venue to start writing again and to share new hobbies such as gardening, birdwatching and sharing my nature photography. If you like my blog, PLEASE click on "follow this blog". Having a lot of followers reading my blog gives me incentive to continue to do photography and to continue to write. I also LOVE comments, so I encourage you to leave me a comment after you read my posts. Thanks everyone, for taking the time to read me!!

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