They didn't know what to do with me.
Believe me, after about ten times of them doing that, they didn't forget anymore that they now had one woman in the club.
And now? They are some of the best guy friends I have ever had.
So, we would all eat together and of course do small talk until the speaker came up to speak. I took these golden moments to take surveys. Why not probe the male minds that I had so nicely at my disposal? Although they would laugh at me, I think they kind of liked it after a while and when I missed a meeting, one of them told me it was "dull" without me there.
Being hard of hearing (the average age of the members in the group when I first joined was about 80. They spent half the time at the meetings taking each other's pulses to make sure they were still alive), the guy says: "WHAT did you say?"
By now, the whole club is quiet, gumming their pasta and listening.
"You know!" I say. "It's when you go to bed with your significant other and you both lay on your side in a spoon position, up next to each other." Then, when one of you wants to turn to the other side, you both turn over as a unit, like two spoons together in a drawer, facing the same way."
The whole club guffaw's and chuckles.
But I persist.
"C'Mon...let's have a show of hands...how many of you guys are Spooners?"
Then, believe it or not, two old guys timidly raise their hands.
The rest of them immediatly begin to razz the hand-raisers to death.
Some say some smart-ass remarks, like: "If I still slept with my old lady, I wouldn't be spooning, heh-heh". and "Shit, she kicked me out long ago for snoring" and "What, you still sleep with your wife", etc.
I went to work the next day and took another survey. (A younger crowd, this time) (And yes, they were used to my frequent surveys in the cafeteria, too. We used to have one helluva great time at lunch!) (Hey, curious minds want to know!)
It turns out, I was in the minority. Even with the women I surveyed.
To my amazement, most of them did not spoon.
I felt kinda smug.
Hot flashes became my uninvited new best "friend".
Alas! I can hardly ever spoon now without breaking out in a sweat that would re-flood New Orleans.
But we still try.
I KNOW (if you aren't a Spooner) you are one (or more) of the kinds of sleepers listed below:
1. The Corkskrew:
2. The Muffler (also known as The Turtle):
3. The Stapler:
This is a sleeper that is not used to (or doesn't want to adapt to) sleeping with anyone else. When they go to bed, they stretch their bodies into the widest X they can on the mattress, thus giving no room for even a Spooner to try and fit in the same bed. If nudged over, they groan and will gather their limbs together just long enough for you to fall asleep. At that time, the Sprawler springs open like an ironing board again, knocking you simultanously on your head and leg. You can always recognize a Stapler's sleep partner by the large bruises on their bodies and their long fingernails (that they grew to grip on to the minute space on their side of the bed.)
5. The Furnace:
This is a sleeper that complains about being too hot from the moment he/she hits the bed. They throw all the covers off and climb on top of them, naked, and then immediately fall asleep, mid-sentence. If you are a Furnace's partner in bed, you then have to try tugging the covers from under their sleeping-in-a-coma body to gather enough of a swatch to cover your ass, which is now ice cold from having none of the covers. Most of the time the Furnace's sleep partner will be dressed similar to an Eskimo when going to bed, complete with kneesox, just so his/her body temparature stays above a hypothermic state.
6. The Ice Cube:
7. The Hugger:
8. The Recliner:
9. The Slider:
This sleeper starts out at the top of the bed when you go to bed with them. But, by morning, you'll find them somewhere at your knee level under the covers. No one knows how or why it happens. But if you keep one eye open as they fall asleep, you will see them using their monkey toes to grasp the end of the mattress and inch themselves towards the bottom in spastic motions. They make a good partner for the Recliner because that way they both have ample sides of the bed (on opposite ends).
10. The Thrasher:
Unlike the above-mentioned Corkscrew, the Thrasher indiscriminately turns round and round in the bed, waving arms in an uncoordinated manner. Frequently, the Thrasher sleeps through these gymnastics, even though they use frequent sighs and moans during their thrashing. It is easy to recognize a Thrasher's sleep partner, because they have dark circles under their eyes from lack of sleep, and have an eye tic because they are used to keeping one eye open for threatening body movements from the Thrasher. Being used to the Thrasher's unpredictable body parts swinging at them, these sleep partners often immediately cower down and assume their "safety position" if you come anywhere near them during daylight.
11. The Boxer:
This sleeper also uses multiple pillows to bed down with, however are much more dramatic than the Hugger. Several times during the night, the Boxer wildly punches, poofs and rolls his/her pillows into their "perfect" positions, whilst loudly sighing or moaning for sympathy. If you are a Boxer's sleep partner, do NOT (I repeat, DO NOT) reveal that you are awake during their pillow-arranging ritual. This only provides sympathy to the Boxer for their awakeness, and the drama will multiply ten-fold, now that they have a captive middle-of-the-night audience.
12. The Donut:
Due to some unknown pregnancy trauma while they were in their mother's womb, the only way this sleeper can sleep is by obtaining and maintaining a tight fetal position in bed. Luckily, they are then born with velcro nipples and hairy knees. These malformations (since birth) helps them lock into a fetal shape (knees pressed to chest, forming a perfect round donut in bed). This takes up a lot of bed space. But, like a beachball, if the Donut's sleep partner just slightly nudges them, they gently roll over to their other side, never waking during the rollover. The best thing about being a Donut's sleep partner is that if bored, the sleep partner can play volleyball with the Donut for something to pass the time (until the sleep partner can finally sleep). The Donut will never find out. However, Donuts have been known to complain of back pain from the contortion of being a donut all night long. The only cure is to shave their knees or to painfully remove their nipple velcro, which in the end is really more painful then their occasional back pain.
I just thought you'd want to know about these kinds of sleepers, in case you want to do a survey or two of your own at work some day.
According to my survey, a lot of couples just don't sleep together at all for the entire night.
Now, what fun is that????