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Monday, March 16, 2009

Top Ten Lame Excuses for Not Wanting Sex.....

As you age, you find libido sometimes lagging behind, and sometimes you don't even mind. Same thing when you are a new mom and just plain exhausted from your day and the only thing that sounds like "an afternoon delight" is a long, long nap (by yourself, away from the husband and kids).
So, that got me to thinking of what the TOP TEN lame excuses and conversations wives might use (through the years) for not wanting sex.
(You know how I love my LISTS!)
So here they are:

1. But honey, we just changed the sheets. We don't want to get them dirty do we? Do YOU want to change the sheets and re-make the bed? (I didn't think so!)

2. I don't have a headache, but my stomach is kinda upset. I think the pressure would make me sick. Where did you put the bucket that I usually use to throw up in?

3. We are completely out of kleenex. And toilet paper. And, all the towels and washcloths we own are in the laundry. We have no paper towels, either.

4. I just got my hair done AND I have a Doctor's (GYN) appointment AND a job interview tomorrow. You don't want them to know we had SEX right before I went there, do you?

5. We have company. What if they HEAR us?

6. I have a crook in my neck, I must have slept on it funny. I really think sex would make it worse. Besides, is that the baby I hear crying? Oh, and the puppy is whining to go out and pee. Can you take care of that?

7. I'll be late for work. Oh, yeah right...I'm retired. Ummm..I'll be late for taking my morning pills. Oh, that's right, I'm not on any, am I? But Honey, I think you didn't take your pills yet. Honey,come and take a look at the new chin hairs I just discovered yesterday. Gross, huh?

8. I think I hurt my back from moving the couch yesterday, I really should give it a rest. Or, do you really think you want to chance it and have me crippled forever?

9. Did you see this new rash I just got? I think the little pimples have some sort of liquid in them. Do you think its catchy? Wanna touch it?

10. I just took an Aleve for my arthritis. That would kind of defeat the purpose, wouldn't it? You don't want me to be in worse pain would you? Iheard somewhere that arthritis symptoms are closely related to another terminal connective tissue disease I read about in nursing school. I could be dead in less than a month. How can you think of sex at a time when I could be terminally ill?

So: What are some of YOUR excuses?????????????????????????????????

24 comments:

Two Greyhound Town said...

Very funny. I think you have hit all my excuses. LOL

Thanks for visiting my Greys and Things site so often. I appreciate it.

J.J. in L.A. said...

I'm not the one who makes up the excuses. My man is nearly 7 years older but you'd think it was 27 years, the way he acts sometimes. lol!

The Retired One said...

Two Greyhound Town: No problem! I enjoy your blog very much!!

JJ: I had trouble getting on your site today, did anyone else have problems? I will try again later. Anyway, I hve 3 words for your honey:
Vi-Ag-Ra!!!!! Maybe spring will put some spring into his step! ha (Good luck!!)

Kearsie said...

HAHAHAAHA

Today, my favorite number is 9.

Also, I kind of threw up a little in my mouth.

The Retired One said...

Kearsie: No,no! That is number two on the list...hey, quick...get Kearsie the barf bucket!!!

Lynn said...

Here's a good one:

Sure, honey, let's have hot, steamy sex - but first I need to talk about the teetering economy and the fragile state of our Republic. What do you think will happen if capitalism as we know it completely collapses?

Jeanne said...

We generally take turns making excuses. Whoever got turned down the most recently gets to wear the victim's crown and whine about how they never get any. Although I sometimes have to remind him that I was the last rejectee!

(BTW -- I think you're my doppelganger. We started our blogs about the same time, we each have 57 followers,and they're both The R--- Chronicles.

Insanity Kim said...

I concur w/ Kearsie on #9...

And my excuse is...

11. Again? I'm gonna get a latex allergy!!!

Nah, not really, but, I just might... ;)

The Retired One said...

Lynn: Now THAT would stop a rabbit from mating! ha

Jeanne: Crowns? Now THAT is an idea!
Did you sign on as one of my followers yet?? If not, please do so! Would love to have you aboard!
The "R" Chronicle sisters, that would be fine with me!!

Insanity Kim: Latex, Shmay-tex.....You gotta stop with all those balloons...that's what you meant, right? RIGHT! (*wink*) That is pretty egotistic of you to have a celebrations with (latex) balloons every time you have sex. HAAAAAaaaaa!

Joanie said...

Hi Joan! Thanks for stopping by my blog! Love your excuses list!

The Retired One said...

Joanie: Thanks for joining my blog!! (And thanks for the compliment on my list)..you will see,I am a list maker...if you read some of my old posts, you will see what I mean. :-D
I have added you to my list of blogs to follow too!!

Shellmo said...

I've used #4 - LOL!!!

Ratty said...

I've never been married, so I don't get or give many excuses. I guess it's easier just to stay away if a person doesn't feel like it in this situation.

Sara said...

That is so funny. I have actually used excuse numbber 9:) Oh well!
Sara

J.J. in L.A. said...

I didn't have a problem getting on my site and no one else mentioned it. I don't know why you couldn't. Weird.

Loree said...

Too funny. I loved your excuse list. Most of those are very original.

lizzie said...

LOL! How about 'I've just taken a sleeping pill and I keep (yawn, yawn,) drifting off to sleep. OK darling if you don't mind my snoring, (yawn yawn! snore). That would be nice.

rainfield61 said...

Seems like woman's talk over here, am I right?
I have no say...

The Retired One said...

Shellmo: All of the excuses in No.4? Wow, you had a busy day. ha

Ratty: Most of us that have been married a long, long time, have quite a sense of humor about sex (or times when we weren't in the mood!)ha

Sara: No. 9? Good thing you aren't married to a dermatologist...because he WOULD want to look at it and touch it!

JJ: I got right back on your site about 15 minutes later and had no problems with it. Maybe Google was doing something weird at that particular time, who knows! Hopefully, it won't happen again!

Loree: The longer you've been married, the less original the list will become. (grin)

Lizzie: Good one!!! (With my husband, it wouldn't work...he knows I hate taking pills of any kind!)AND I am a retired nurse, to boot! ha

Rainfield61: True, but you can consider it "research". ha Who knows when knowing these jewels will come in handy for you? ha

Grannyann said...

Really creative!!

The Retired One said...

Grannyann: Thanks!

This Crazy Thing Called Motherhood said...

I think I need a body scrub down after reading #9! lol Too funny!

The Retired One said...

This Crazy: I know. Kinda makes you itchy all over, no? But a body scrub might make you "all in the mood" and there will be none of THAT!!

Stacy said...

All i have to say is. I have the worst explosive diarrhea and no more begging from him. after that i turn over and smile to myself:)

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I retired in June 2008 and started my blog in November 2008. I worked at several jobs as a Registered Nurse prior to retirement. I LOVE being retired! Blogging has offered me a whole new venue to start writing again and to share new hobbies such as gardening, birdwatching and sharing my nature photography. If you like my blog, PLEASE click on "follow this blog". Having a lot of followers reading my blog gives me incentive to continue to do photography and to continue to write. I also LOVE comments, so I encourage you to leave me a comment after you read my posts. Thanks everyone, for taking the time to read me!!

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