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Saturday, September 5, 2009

Ten Things NOT to do if you are a Woman and it is your Fifty-Something Birthday!!



Yay! Its my (ahem) fifty-seventh something birthday today.

So of course, like all old , wise women, I decided to share some birthday insights with all of you.

I know you can't wait.

All my Followers that have read me for a while, know that I love to make "TOP TEN" lists, and since I haven't done one in a long time, I decided to bore you to death with do it today.



TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO DO ON YOUR BIRTHDAY
IF YOU ARE A WOMAN
OVER 50




1. Do not have a mirror in your bedroom. Anywhere. If you can still see, it will ruin your happiness so much that you want to commit suicide self esteem. If you can't see, it will scare the bejeesus out of you when you get up those many, many times to have your one thousandth hot flash and scratch that itch that won't go away go pee.

2. Do not wear short socks at any time. Not only does it make you look like you should be wearing a poodle skirt and loafers and playing hopscotch if you were still able to physically hop , but you can't bend over (no matter how hard you try!!) to put them on, and it will depress you even more.

3. Are you still wearing pantyhose??? Get WITH it, Granny....it is out of fashion. Burn them!! (Or dust with them, they work fantastic cleaning window blinds and fans!) (and if they are white pantyhose, you are BEYOND help, just go fill out your application for THE HOME).

4. Do NOT get a drastic haircut. Or a perm. All old ladies get Kate Plus 8 haircuts and think it makes them younger. Nope. Just makes you look like a wrinkled Kate. And the perms? Only if you want to be a stinky poodle. But DO color your hair. I am so sick of women who think it looks "natural". It does not. It looks old and gray and makes you look older than your ancient self. If you insist on keeping it gray...then wear that pantyhose over your head. (Just don't go into any banks).

5. For God's sake, if you are 50+, do NOT wear low I-see-your-butt-crack- in -whatever position -you-are-in cut jeans or any clothing that exposes your ancient belly. That includes your swimsuit. I don't care if you are anorexic or work out 10 hours a day and you can bounce basketballs off your abs....your belly's had its heyday and wants clothing on it. Less is NOT more in clothing for you. And stop buying those ridiculous clothes in the Junior's section, for the Love of GOD.

6. Buy an industrial strength bra. Run, do not walk and get one NOW. I don't care if you have pancakes for breasts...the frying pan was on an uneven stovetop and baby, they have shifted. And please do not shove them into those pushup hooker bras and have a shelf of flesh wobbling on top of the lace. Those wobbling cleavages have hairline wrinkles that look worse than elephant skin. Oh, and another thing: put on a camisole under those V-necks so we don't have to look at it.

7. And panties? Ok. Don't wear old lady bloomers. But for everyone else's sake, PLEASE do not wear thongs. You are gonna get back spasms from pulling out that baby from the Grand Tetons of your ass, and how are you going to explain THAT to the cute 30-something E.R. Doc?

8. If you are eating the same thing for breakfast like oatmeal or bran cereal: I know who you are! everyday and getting up before 8 a.m. when you don't have to, and then get upset that other people in your life like to sleep in, congratulations, you are officially OLD and cranky . Face it, you have become your mother.

9. If you have calloused heels and bunions the size of golf balls, not to mention yellowish, brittle toenails, oh please oh please do NOT wear sandals or open toe shoes! Do not expose us to that horror. And forget about wearing high heels. People will be holding their breath as you wobble past them. You are one step away from breaking your hip if you wear those babies.

10. Please, I beg of you....do not tell others about what it was like when you were a kid. Do not send them e-mails that talk about being born before microwaves and cellphones and that list the old sitcoms and movies that you remember like I LOVE LUCY and Rawhide. Most others that are ancient old like you probably got 50 of the same emails and the ones that are younger than you don't give a shit and won't know what in the hell you are talking about, and laugh behind your back confirm that you are indeed: OLD!!

******************************************************************************************
I have more than 10 of these lectures wisdoms, but let's save them for NEXT year, if I live that long, because DAMN! I am old say right around Sept. 5th, shall we????

33 comments:

Lynn from For Love or Funny said...

I will take these suggestions to heart, because I'm precariously close to turning into my grandmother, and I'm only 46.

DJan said...

I have just one thing to say to that rant: HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY! that was fun, and now that you've discovered how to cross words out, does this mean that you will be allowing us to hear your inner granny from now on?

Thanks for the instructions. I'll keep them in mind for my birthday, which is thankfully at least three months away... :-)

Alan Burnett said...

Happy birthday. Always ensure that blogging is NOT included in one of your "Ten Things Not To Do ..." lists

Mitzi said...

Happy Birthday! Love your blog! I have 10(?) years on you and couldnt agree more. I live in Hamilton, Mi.
Hope this is your best year ever.

Brian Miller said...

oh too funny today. i hope you have a great birthday! Many warm wishes sent your way!

Bernie said...

Happy Birthday my friend, and many more.....you are just a baby compared to me. Hey am I the only one who is enjoying getting older? Well at least right now I am. I love all the choices I have that only comes with age...no longer working I can do what I want with my days and yes there is a little bit more financial freedom as well. It is a wonderful time in my life and I love it.
I love your top ten list, I just may do my own top ten....this is fun.
Have a great weekend my friend,
Luv ya......:-) Hugs

Jenn Jilks said...

That is hilarious! As a 52-yr. old I can identify with you.

Fran Hill said...

Ah, thank you for your wisdom, O Wise Woman. Number 6 explains why I have two black eyes after jogging. I will go to the shops tomorrow.

Lesley said...

Excellent list!! I should print it out and carry it with me. I have broken several of your commandments, I must admit. But I'll do better now! Thanks for setting us all straight.

Aria said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOAN!!!

Remember, you're not old until your youngest daughter starts with the hot flashes (at least that's how I kept my mom from kicking my ass earlier this week...*whomeeyeroll*) Besides, no matter how old you get, it's still better than the alternative! And, btw, I love the list, it works even for youngsters such as myself ;-) Love Ya and hope your National Holiday is absolutely fantastic!!!!!!

♥ Boomer ♥ said...

YOU.ARE.HILARIOUS. ♥

Happy Birthday!!!

Boomer Baby Bliss

Barb said...

I'm here laughing with a pair of pantyhose on my head and sensible shoes on my feet.

Jientje said...

ROFL!!! Those were great!!

J.J. in L.A. said...

Love these...especially #7! lol!

My mom just said, "My mom would've been 117 today." She died 44 years ago at the age of 73.

"Um, mom? There's a good chance she'd be dead." ; )

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Eva Gallant said...

That was beautiful! Loved it!

Sue said...

No one could ever say you're cranky-------too funny is more like it. Happy Happy Birthday. I hope you have a wonderful day.
And eat extra cake. It keeps you young!

Far Side of Fifty said...

Happy Birthday! We are the same age for a few days..then I will pass you up! Hope your birthday is wonderful and you get to do whatever you want to all day long:)

sharon said...

Happy Birthday, you young whippersnapper. Shit, I'm 65, and I was going to get a Kate plus 8 haircut next week!!! You've ruined everything!!!

blushing rose said...

Love your post of 'not to's', Joan!

May your birthday be as much fun as this writing. You are an absolute KICK!

Blessings of many more ~
Have a beautiful weekend. TTFN ~ Marydon

Ratty said...

But older guys can do whatever they want. It makes them look young and cool. Just ask 'em. :D

Number 10 is wrong though. I might be in the minority, but I like hearing the stories from people older than me. I couldn't sit and listen all day, but I still enjoy hearing them.

Wanda said...

Oh no! I get up really early and my breakfast is pretty much always coffee and a banana pecan muffin...I must be old!

The Retired One said...

Lynn: Crap. I have shoes older than you. ha

DJan: Oh, you will be surprised what my inner Granny says...I just don't type it in a lot of the time....but now what I am officially OLD, I may be typing more of them in my posts! :-}

Alan: Not to fear...I will be blogging until these old wrinkled hands can no longer type and then I will use my nose. :-}

Mitzi: Thanks so much! Have you ever come up to the U.P.?? You'd love it up here!

Brian: Thanks so much! I had an awesome day! The weather here was sunny and in the high 70's and we were out on our pontoon on the lake all day...then went to someone else's party tonight...came home to a huge full moon over the lake. A perfect day!

Bernie: thanks so much, Sweetie! I actually do love getting older and have enjoyed my retirement very much! I can tell you do too. Isn't life great?

Jenn: Geez, 52 seemed like a blink ago. Life flies when you are having fun.

Fran: Ha. Two black eyes? Wow, you have some packing in to do when you get the new bra. ha

Lesley: Ok. I will be checking on you to make sure you aren't breaking any of them in the future. One can never be too careful when you become a geezer. ha

Aria: Thanks, girlfriend!! I have been so busy I haven't read your blog or anyone elses for over a week. I feel like I have missed the prom or something. But not to worry, I will catch up in the next week and stalk you again with comments. ha

Boomer: You are a doll. Didn't you know all OLD people are funny?

Barb: Thank goodness SOMEONE listens! :-}

Jientje: So glad you liked them!

JJ: I know! My mom used to say the same thing..."so and so would have been 312 today". Oh really???!! Good lord!

Eva: You will always be young at heart!

Sue: thanks..yes, that extra cake will keep me running (straight to the Cardiologist) ha.

Far Side: You are a fellow Virgo? When is your birthday??

Sharon: you can always wear those pantyhose on your head then?? ha

Blushing: You are so sweet! I love my Followers..you are always so encouraging to all of my writing and photos!

Ratty: I love their stories too...I was the Administrator for an Assisted Living facility, so I had the honor of hearing many of them. They were wonderful, just as long as they didn't tell them for the 100th time. ha

Wanda: Mmmm...maybe I will come over to your house for breakfast then! ha

The Retired One said...

Lynn: Crap. I have shoes older than you. ha

DJan: Oh, you will be surprised what my inner Granny says...I just don't type it in a lot of the time....but now what I am officially OLD, I may be typing more of them in my posts! :-}

Alan: Not to fear...I will be blogging until these old wrinkled hands can no longer type and then I will use my nose. :-}

Mitzi: Thanks so much! Have you ever come up to the U.P.?? You'd love it up here!

Brian: Thanks so much! I had an awesome day! The weather here was sunny and in the high 70's and we were out on our pontoon on the lake all day...then went to someone else's party tonight...came home to a huge full moon over the lake. A perfect day!

Bernie: thanks so much, Sweetie! I actually do love getting older and have enjoyed my retirement very much! I can tell you do too. Isn't life great?

Jenn: Geez, 52 seemed like a blink ago. Life flies when you are having fun.

Fran: Ha. Two black eyes? Wow, you have some packing in to do when you get the new bra. ha

Lesley: Ok. I will be checking on you to make sure you aren't breaking any of them in the future. One can never be too careful when you become a geezer. ha

Aria: Thanks, girlfriend!! I have been so busy I haven't read your blog or anyone elses for over a week. I feel like I have missed the prom or something. But not to worry, I will catch up in the next week and stalk you again with comments. ha

Boomer: You are a doll. Didn't you know all OLD people are funny?

Barb: Thank goodness SOMEONE listens! :-}

Jientje: So glad you liked them!

JJ: I know! My mom used to say the same thing..."so and so would have been 312 today". Oh really???!! Good lord!

Eva: You will always be young at heart!

Sue: thanks..yes, that extra cake will keep me running (straight to the Cardiologist) ha.

Far Side: You are a fellow Virgo? When is your birthday??

Sharon: you can always wear those pantyhose on your head then?? ha

Blushing: You are so sweet! I love my Followers..you are always so encouraging to all of my writing and photos!

Ratty: I love their stories too...I was the Administrator for an Assisted Living facility, so I had the honor of hearing many of them. They were wonderful, just as long as they didn't tell them for the 100th time. ha

Wanda: Mmmm...maybe I will come over to your house for breakfast then! ha

Deb said...

Hi my friend,
Your still the same funny sweet lady I have missed all these months..I am so happy your well, and happy birthday! We have a brand new site at http://thelaffalouds.com I'd be honored if you'd stop by.

Hugs!! Debbs

lotusleaf said...

Happy Birthday and Many Happy Returns of the Day.Please don't make us wait till next September for more chuckles.

Cathy Clementz said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU OLD FOOL!!! Nah, your not an old fool; you are a very hip withit 50+ something chick who knows how to age gracefully! What an enjoyable read! Although it doesn't make me look anymore forward towards my b'day in October!~

The Retired One said...

Lotusleaf: Don't worry, I will impose more humor on you whenever I get the chance. :-}

Cathy: No fool like an old fool. :-}

Insanity Kim said...

Happy Birthday!

And, I'll take this all to heart because I know I'll need it!!

Hope you had a great one!!


PS thanks for taking the time to come and comment on all my recent posts, it means a lot! :)

Loree said...

Oh hilarious. You always manage to see the funny side of life.

SquirrelQueen said...

A belated Happy Birthday! Your do's & do not's are so funny.

Hope you have had a great Labor Day weekend,

Judy

The Retired One said...

Deb: Thanks! Good to hear from you. Hope things have settled down for you.

Insanity: I had a great birthday, and thanks!!!

Loree: I think life is generally pretty funny most of the time.

SquirrelQueen: I had a great weekend, hope you did too!!

Sandy aka Doris the Great said...

I'm with you on everything but the granny panties. As a 50 something myself, I've tried all the other panties on the market -- and with my bikini line C-section scar and all that overhangs it, other panties just end up down with the C-line!! So far, the only thing that stays in place and feels comfortable are the regular, old-fashioned panties.

The Retired One said...

Sandy: One thing you learn as you age is that comfort trumps any other advice...so wear them without guilt. ha

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I retired in June 2008 and started my blog in November 2008. I worked at several jobs as a Registered Nurse prior to retirement. I LOVE being retired! Blogging has offered me a whole new venue to start writing again and to share new hobbies such as gardening, birdwatching and sharing my nature photography. If you like my blog, PLEASE click on "follow this blog". Having a lot of followers reading my blog gives me incentive to continue to do photography and to continue to write. I also LOVE comments, so I encourage you to leave me a comment after you read my posts. Thanks everyone, for taking the time to read me!!

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