The great state of Colorado!!
1. One may not mutilate a rock in a state park. Well, how do you mutilate a rock? I can write on it, or roll it, but how on earth would I mutilate a rock? Maybe Superman or the Incredible Hulk can help me out here.
2. It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3. Wait a minute. Does that mean that they don't sell six packs in any grocery stores in Colorado? Do the beer companies know this? And, if I get the munchies while buying my liquor, I can't even get a Slim Jim? Man, anyone who wants to have a party must have to run all over the county to get what they need. Hey buddy, do you wanna come and watch the football game and slam down a three-pack?
3. No liquor may be sold on Sundays or election days. Now that just isn't humane not to be able to buy liquor on an ELECTION DAY. Isn't that when most Americans need it most?
4. It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence. Do the cowboys in Colorado know this? Hey, I have been to a rodeo or two in my day, and you gotta drink before you get bounced around on those horses!
4. Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses. Whew! I am SO glad at least ONE state made this legal. So now: I gotta buy all my pillows in Colorado and rip the tags off there and then take them home to be legal.
5. In Alamosa: Throwing missles at cars is illegal. Don't you think this should be a FEDERAL law? Who is with me on this one?
6. Also in Alamosa: Keeping a house where unmarried persons are allowed to have sex is prohibited. Do the landlords in Colorado know this? Because I am pretttttty sure that this law is being broken all OVER Colorado.
7. Also in Alamosa: Persons may not urinate in public. Thank goodness! I appreciate the fact that I don't have to watch people pee in public if I drive through there. They must have had rampant pee-ers in town to necessitate passing a law against it, though. (The singles not allowed to have sex in a house were pissed off).
8. In Arvada: Establishments which sell alcohol must have enough lighting to read text inside them. As it should be. I mean, you have to be able to see the worm in the Tequilla bottle. But who checks this? The bartenders? "Excuse me, Sir. I cannot serve you another shot until you hold it up to the newspaper and read me the small print."????
9. In Boulder: It is legal to challenge a police officer, but only until he or she asks you to stop. So let me get this straight. I can flip off a cop or yell out "Ha ha, I am NOT speeding!" while I pass them doing 80 mph and they can't do anything about it unless (s)he has stopped me and then I do it? (I am not THAT stupid!)
10, Also in Boulder: It is illegal to permit ones llama to graze on city property. How else are they supposed to keep their grass short? Geez, llamas are gentle, and they are cute. Why not???
11. Also in Boulder: Boulders may not be rolled on city property. Well, it is BOULDER. Maybe they are sensitive on what you do with boulders in Boulder. Although, it doesn't say anything about mutilating a boulder in BOULDER.
12. Also in Boulder: Couches may not be placed on outside porches. Sounds like Jeff Foxworthy has been to town. You know you are redneck when you have a couch on your porch! Hell yeah!
13. In Colorado Springs: It is permissable to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays. Okay, now this is really ruining Election Day for me. No liquor and no holstered six guns!? And not on Christmas either??? They are ruining all my fun. Do the cowboys know this too?
14. In Cripple Creek: It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building. Dang, I can't bring my horse in the elevator? Doesn't it make you wonder WHY they had to make this law in the first place?
15. In Denver: The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park. So the dogs in Denver can READ????
16. Also in Denver: It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor. So this must be the home of Hoover and Electrolux vacuum cleaner companies? No lending out your vacuums to your neighbors there....let the cheap bastards buy their OWN vacuums, dangumit!
17. Also In Denver: You may not drive a black car on Sundays. So there are no dead bodies being picked up in black hearses on Sundays, then? Just let them rot in place and we will pick them up on Monday, M'am. We can't bring out the hearse on Sundays. Oh, and if the President comes on Sunday, please ask them to drive the pink limos...
19. In Durango: It is illegal to go in public dressed in clothes “unbecoming” on one’s sex. Again, who DEFINES "unbecoming"? Do they call in Stacey and Clinton from "What Not to Wear"? And how do they handle and figure out what is unbecoming for the transvestites there?
20. In Logan County: It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep. At last, someone to protect us from those sneaky lip smacking men in Logan County. I sure hope that Sleeping Beauty didn't live there...because she'd still be waiting for Prince Charming to get her out of that nasty spell.
21. In Louisville: Residents may not own chickens, but may own up to three turkeys. That is so discriminating to the chickens. They deserve good homes. Oh well, the KFC's will just have to cook turkey instead.
22. In Pueblo: It is illegal to let a dandelion grow within the city limits. I can see it now...people peering out from behind their curtains watching to see if the neighbors are illegally popping dandelions in their lawns. Home owners running out in the middle of the night with a pair of scissors clipping the first dandelion coming up, in fear of going to prison.
23. In Sterling: Cats may not run loose without having been fit with a taillight. SAY WHAT???? Let me re-read this little jewel! Cat's need to be fitted with a TAILLIGHT?? Does it need turn signals? Let's see...fluffy must be heading to the laundry room, honey....I saw her right taillight blinking. Wonder if she will make those little beeping sounds when she backs her ass up to the litter box??? "No honey, she is not purring, that is her blinker". Bwaaahaaaaa......
24. In Vail: It is illegal to crash into obstacles on a ski slope. Well, aren't they snobs in Vail? I don't think I will ski there. Come to think of it, I don't know HOW to ski! Believe me, if I skiied in Vail, I'd pretty much crash into everything and everything would be an obstacle.
25. Also in Vail: No one may keep junk close to someone else. Hear this, all men out there. Don't be putting your 'junk' close to anyone else...you hear that? I hate having a man's junk too close without him asking me if its okay. Don't you? Would his junk be considered an obstacle in Vail?