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Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Make it Brief!!

(*Due to my photographs being on hold for a few days due to a computer crash, you will still be reading more of my silly stuff today instead.) Carry on.....

So, inquiring minds want to know.

I dug through some of my archived articles (that I have for occasions such as computer disasters) and lucky you, I found this lovely tidbit!:

* The British retailer Debenhams announced in September that it
would begin selling men's briefs whose opening is more accessible
from the left side, for left-handers who have been forced for
decades to manipulate a right-side opening. Previously, said a
Debenhams executive, "[L]eft-handed men have to reach much
further into their pants, performing a Z-shaped maneuver through
two 180-degree angles before achieving the result that right-handed
men perform with ease." [Reuters, 9-23-09]


Well, isn't THAT special?

Men just might be inconvenienced by how they reach into their underwear if they are left-handed, so they are going to accommodate them.

Well, ladies, what do you say about that one?

1. What about women's bras? Could anything be MORE uncomfortable to put on? What about the nifty maneuver WE have to do, where we have to put the bra on backwards, clip the fasteners and then have to do the tornado twist to get it back around so the cups are facing front by which we are then forced to have to do a dive bomb to get "the girls" into the cups?
We risk back injury, cuts on our midriff flesh and whiplash.
Did anyone think of helping US out? (Oh sure, there are front clasp bras, but anyone with bigger than size A breasts knows that if we have an episode of enthusiastic clapping at a musical, (or Lord forbid, we have to reach up to our shoulder to scratch an itch) those babies can violently unclasp with a violent snap that can easily shoot your eye out in the process).

2. What about women's thongs? Could anything be more uncomfortable that THOSE? A little dental floss that you have to dig out to find? All because MEN like them on us and beg us to get them. Is THAT accommodating to us women?

3. What about SPANX??? Oh sure, they suck together your loose flesh into a well-toned sausage casing like the miracle from St. Bernadine, but bend over and your little muffin top makes them snap and roll down into tootsie rolls faster than a mousetrap. There is no gracious or sneaky way to grab the Tootsie-rolled-Spanx roll and slide them back up to your waist without someone noticing....(trust me on this one, I have tried it!).......nope, not too comfortable....

4. For those of you still out of it and wearing pantyhose, is there anything more uncomfortable than THOSE to wear?
First you gotta roll a nylon pantyhose leg up your arm without running them and into a tight balled up tube and try and place the same side foot into the balled up tube without hip displacement while bending down and having all the blood rush to your head.
You gotta wiggle and wiggle it half way up your leg and stop there while you stretch out the other leg of the pantyhose (with your opposite hand, mind you...AND while your other leg is still uncomfortably hanging in a half-dressed state!) and roll THAT into a similar tube and place your other leg into that tube, working it up THAT leg.
Then? (So glad you asked!):
You do the left-right-left-right wiggle dance (equal on both sides now, for God's sake, or you gotta start all over) until you reach your butt with the pantyhose. Then you gotta squeeze your butt into them and hope there is enough material to cover it along with your legs...all without ONE RUN in the nylons.
Of course, you may only be 4 feet, 11 inches tall and bought the "TALL" sized pantyhose. It doesn' t matter. The crouch will STILL be hanging somewhere between your hoo-hoo and your knees, forcing you to walk like Natasha in the Adams Family.
Umm...nope, not too comfortable.

6. Men LOVE garter belts and nylons. I mean it practically makes them drool giggle. Is there anything more uncomfortable than those??? Not to mention the maneuvers you gotta do to get THOSE babies on.
First, you wiggle until you pull the boa constrictor garter belt over your hips with the dangling-flaps-of-death metal garters hanging down from them.
Then, you have to lie flat on the bed, preferably "spread eagle", hoping and praying that you don't lie on top of the ice-cold metal hooks that are just waiting to hold those nylons and scar the back of your thighs with their lasting impression.
Then, raise up your right leg to the sky and throw the nylon like a lasoo over towards your toes, hoping you will catch it like a butterfly in a net. Oh, don't worry......after twenty or thirty times, you will be successful.
Now contortion yourself by reaching behind you and clasp the nylon you just lasoo'd onto the rear garter clasp on that same side, simultaneously stifling your screams of pain with the pillow on the bed next to your head as you do this.
Repeat with your other leg, (if you don't have the shakes by now from holding your other leg in the air that long or the terrible pain in your side from the last maneuver).
By now the front metal clasps of the garter belt (awaiting the front of the nylons' delivery so that they can clasp on too) have been flapping around as you lasoo'd your leg with the nylons and attached the back garters. The front garters have been flogging you to death and making marks on the FRONT of your thighs with each and every previous movement.
Now that you have been a successful contortionist in clasping all four garter clasps to your nylons, you have to ever-so-slowly slide your nyloned and gartered self to the edge of the bed...(which causes static electricity to your hair, by the way).
If not carefully maneuvered (like an Olympian), one of the garters will undoubtedly snap up with such force, that not only will it put your eye out, but the biting sting of the incident will make your eyes run like when they blow ice cold air in your eye for a glaucoma check.
So now---------- you bring your sexy-self out of the bedroom in all your glory-- with your mascara running, hair sticking in every direction from the static electricity, limping due to the welts on your back thighs and red streaks on the front thighs, holding your wrenched back that is going to make your Chiropractor very, very rich.
Super comfortable.

7. How about Stilettos? You gotta have ankles of STEEL to stay upright on them and with slippery floors, you gotta be an Olympic gold medalist to skate in them. Thought that was someone snapping their fingers to their I-pod?
Oh, no.
Those were your ankles making those little snapping sounds.
Another comfortable fashion for women.

How about it ladies?
Should we make SURE that left-handed men get those new underwear?
We wouldn't want them inconvenienced by making them do that awful "Z -shaped maneuver", now, would we????


Unknown said...

OMG! That was hilarious! I loved your description of slipping on panty hose; and the garter belt and stockings!

DJan said...

I missed this one the first time around, so I am so happy to have gotten to read it. Laugh out loud funny! And I had forgotten about panty hose, it's been so long since I wore them. Garter belts the same, but now I remember. Thanks, I think... :-)

Sara said...

too funny! I love the spanx description, I stopped wearing them because of that, so uncomfortable and so embarrasing when your trying to roll them up

Linda said...

Just found your blog.
I LOL at the bra maneuvering.
Your narration was perfect.
Merry Christmas from Seattle.

jessica said...

And don't forget: just when you have the nylons finally attached to the garter belt and you bend your knee, you have made the hosiery too taut and then one of them snaps/splits... AAARRRGGGGHHH! Those poor, poor left-handed men. I feel the same way when a guy moans about the prostate exam: try having a whole hand inserted in your hoo-hah, fella. Then come cryin' to me...

Kearsie said...

Oh man, this is hilarious.

1. I have a nightmare of a story involving a front-closing bra and a game of high school gym volleyball. You're shuddering on my behalf right now aren't you? Yes. The moral of the story is, if you're wearing a bra that has the clasp in front, do not, under any circumstances, try to serve the volleyball overhead. If you do so, do not do this in front of your entire co-ed gym class.

But I've mostly gotten over the horror of it. *eye twitch*

Bernie said...

Joan you are hilarious....but I'm still keeping my roll down spanx..
luv ya........:-) Hugs

Betsy Banks Adams said...

Too Cute, RO. I love it... Nobody EVER thinks about us poor females, do they????

BUT--I will say that I'm a lefty --and have always had trouble doing certain things, such as ironing, using scissors, etc..... I've had to buy left-handed stuff all of my life... SO--I guess I'm happy for a left-handed man!!!! ha ha

Merry Christmas.

Brian Miller said...

yep...glad i am a man...smiles.

J.J. in L.A. said...

To avoid the "Z maneuver", all men should do what my man does...don't wear underwear! It's much more convenient for everyone involved. ; )

And how did you know I'm 4'11???

The Retired One said...

Eva: Something tells me that you have been there, naughty Eva! :-}

DJan: Yes, happy happy joy joy memories of womanhood, right? I am SO glad I don't have to dress up and go into the office anymore!

Sara: Glad I am not the ONLY one with tootsie roll syndrome! LOL

Somewhere: Thanks SO much for stopping by my blog (and leaving a comment!) Welcome aboard! If you haven't already, I hope you join(ed) on as a Follower, I would love that.

Jessica: Yep! And let's not forget mammograms! Oooo, good times!

Kearsie: Don't worry about that little eye twitch, just put on a garter belt, let it snap you in the eye, and there: problem solved!

Bernie: Oh, I have a pair, I have just learned that if wear them--not to bend over or sit down the entire evening. ha

Betsy: You know what they say...only a left handed person is in their right minds. :-}

Brian: I am glad you are a man, too...are you left handed? (smiles)

JJ: No underwear?? Yee, Gads...I hope he washes his jeans more often then...and watch out for that painful trapped zipper! YIKES..he is flirting with permanent disfigurement there.

Rick (Ratty) said...

Hmm, I'm left handed and I've never heard about a z-shaped maneuver. There's an easy shortcut, but all those other left handers will have to figure it out for themselves. :)

~Cheryl said...

This has kept me laughing! You have a wonderful way with words, that's for sure!

Wanda..... said...

Good morning is way too early to laugh so hard...but then again, it's a good way to start my day! Thank you! Have a Joyful Christmas Joan!

Anonymous said...

That is hilarious. I am a lefty, too, and do have trouble with certain items. A butter knife always gives me fits. I wish you and your family a wonderful Christmas and Happy New Year!

The Retired One said...

Ratty: Ok, now you have me curious! ha

Cheryl: Glad I made you smile during this holiday season!

Southern: I am glad you liked it! They say left handed people are very creative!

Maniacal Mommy said...

Sing it, sister! I tried a thong. Once. I didn't feel sexy constantly trying to pluck it out of my tush.

Hubby got dressed in the dark and put his boxers on backward one day. He didn't realize it until it was, shall we say, too late.

I found that amusing.

Joanna Jenkins said...

I am laughing out loud! This is the funniest thing I've read all day! Love your sense of humor and YOU.

Have a fabulous Christmas.

SquirrelQueen said...

I'm laughing out loud too! OMG, the description of the pantyhose and garter belts is hysterical. You have reminded me why I haven't worn pantyhose in years. And no, no sympathy for the lefty guys!

The Retired One said...

Maniacal: I would find it amusing too!!! I am sure he had to figure out a way to go to the bathroom quick. ha

Joanna: Glad I sent a few smiles your way!

SquirrelQueen: I am SO glad I am OVER pantyhose, fact, since I retired, I don't think I have donned a dress or skirt for over a year. Freedom! :-}

Mary Sheehan Winn said...

the only thing funnier than this post are the comments! Your descriptions of all these torturous garments are right on.
I particularly love how they shoot those body slimmers on stick thin models. Ummmmm, YA?

The Retired One said...

Mary: Thanks for the comment, I appreciate it! Yes, they always show things like that on the people that need it the least. ha

Ms Spider said...

OH MY GOD! I SO want to watch you putting on stockings/nylons. I never thought one could do it in such a complicated way, which adds to the fun. This must be tried ;-)

The Retired One said...

Ann: No. No you don' isn't pretty. :-} Nor do you EVER want to see me take them off. hahaaaaaaa

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I retired in June 2008 and started my blog in November 2008. I worked at several jobs as a Registered Nurse prior to retirement. I LOVE being retired! Blogging has offered me a whole new venue to start writing again and to share new hobbies such as gardening, birdwatching and sharing my nature photography. If you like my blog, PLEASE click on "follow this blog". Having a lot of followers reading my blog gives me incentive to continue to do photography and to continue to write. I also LOVE comments, so I encourage you to leave me a comment after you read my posts. Thanks everyone, for taking the time to read me!!

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