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Monday, December 21, 2009


Another blogger had a funny blogpost today about Holiday Newsletters...and well, it just called out to me to REPEAT my last year's Dec. 10th post called: "Don't Go There".....

So for those of you that haven't been reading my blog very long, and for those of you that have read my blog for a long time (who will forgive me for repeating the post), this is for you all. Enjoy!!

I am compelled to write this, because during this blessed time of year, the barrage of Christmas cards start arriving. I have held my tongue through the many years, but (like a bulimic) I simply have to purge advice at this time or I will burst.

I love my friends and relatives dearly. But, inevitably...I get Christmas cards that I cannot believe came from these very people that I cherish.

So, I have to share my list of the For-The-Love-of-God-don't-send-these-type-of-cards-out-anymore-to-me-or-anyone-else-for-that-matter with anyone reading this.

And, if you happen to be someone who sends out ANY of the cards below, please reconsider.


I am NOT kidding.

Trust me, your friends and relatives will be forever grateful.

Here is the list of the inappropriate cards to send:

1. I beg of you. Please do not dress Fluffy or Spot in some ridiculous pet outfit with satin, Santa Hats, Halloween costumes or reindeer horns and put them as the pictures on your Christmas cards. It is not only pathetic, but it may trigger several calls to the Humane Society. Perhaps you need to get pregnant or visit your kids/grandkids more? Please, do not force your poor pet into this humiliating act. It is the number one reason they needed to invent pet therapy.

2. When you are drawn towards those cards with ten pounds of glitter....don't go near the light!
You know the type I mean....the snow scenes with pine trees covered in snow, a little log cabin with smoke coming out of the chimney...or Santa flying across the sky with a trail of glitter behind him. Those. Because after the U.S. Post office bends it, staples it, crams it, shakes it and pulverizes it during mail processing, some poor bloke will open up your card and 5 pounds of loosened glitter will fall on their table, their carpeting on on that black velvet blazer they are running out the door to get to the office Christmas party with (now peppered with glitter).

3. Dirty Christmas Cards. Don't go there either. The ones with Santa sitting with some prostitute on his lap (him, with a sick expression on his face) that you open and it says: "Hope you have some Ho-Ho-Ho at Christmas, too". It may temporarily make someone chuckle....but you have to admit..... it is pretty far from the purpose of Christmas.

4. The Bragging Letter inside of all Christmas cards. C'Mon people. These are the most common and the WORST to send. The next time you are tempted to get some cutesy Christmas stationary for your computer and copy three thousand letters (that are identical) to stuff into your cards...well...just don't.
Your letter inevitably drones on about Suzy's straight A's that she got while studying abroad (while working for the Peace Corps at the same time alongside Mother Teresa)..and that you are so blessed to have just moved into your 25-room new mansion with your 4 car garage which you built to contain your husband's new corvette (which you surprised him with for Christmas).
What is your goal anyway? To make everyone who receives it feel like a schlump for not being as successful? Well, Merry worked!

5. The Gloom-and-Doom Letter inside all Christmas Cards. C'Mon people (again!).
These are the second most common and also the worst to send. The next time you are tempted to get some cutesy Christmas stationary for your computer and copy three thousand letters (also identical) to stuff into your cards, too....well.................definitely don't.
Honestly...I have gotten some that I thought were jokes at first because they just couldn't possibly be for real.
Ones that read: "We send you holiday greetings to your family with love. We are trying our best to be happy because Uncle Ike got cancer and has three weeks to live and we lost our house in the flood right after my miscarriage. We hope that our son will get out of prison this time next year so that his child that we are raising for him will not miss his drug-addicted mother as much. Etc. Etc. Etc.
Well, doesn't that little pick-me-up make your Christmas a little more jolly?

6. The Worst Offender: The Have-You-Been-Saved-Yet cards
Let me apologize ahead of time if I am offending any of you with this one. However, if you get offended, you are probably exactly the person who needs to stop doing it. The rest of you reading this know exactly the ones I mean.
It starts out right away with "Jesus blesses you and your household. Have you claimed Him as your personal saviour yet?" Jesus has truely blessed us this year. George has joined the ministry and is in Africa ministering HIS word to those that need saving. Per Chapter 13, verse 7, Jesus said...etc.etc. etc.
I am sorry. But if anyone you send those to needs saving, this is the worst possible way to "save" or reach them.
When they get your card, they will immediately glaze over,think you are pathetic and throw the rest of the letter in the garbage without reading it any further.
It is the worst thing to do to try and "save" anyone (short of going door to door to evangelize with little newspapers about the Lord.) (Don't get me started on THAT, either).
Don't get me wrong...I am not the devil, I am not possessed. I believe in a Higher Power.
I just don't believe that you should aggessively pursue the personal mission to push religion on me, or anyone else.
That is invading everyone's personal space and privacy.
So, save your stamps, or better yet, send them to your other church members exclusively. It will make them feel superior to be the "only ones" that will make it to heaven.
It will make the rest of us have a much happier (and blessed) Christmas.

7. Cards with pictures of your kids going to the prom or wearing Cheerleader outfits.
Don't send 'em....because in reality, the guy that took your daughter to the prom that is in that photo may later be found to be a sex offender...and your daughter will HATE that photo of herself in ten years and never forgive you for sending out Christmas cards with it. Years from now, relatives will have that God-awful photo of her in a photo album and turn to each other and ask: "Who is this picture of, anyway?"
School pictures are okay to send to close relatives (but please put the child's name, age and date on the back.) I can't count the times I have gotten photos stuck inside a card and when we get them, I say: "Honey, who is this? I can't remember them having a son....I thought they only had two daughters."
"By the way, is this from one of your cousins? Or is it mine?"

I know what you're thinking....."What a Bah-humbug person!" "She's lucky someone cares enough to send a card".....

And you are right. Because some of the cards I get (like the ones listed above) have made for some of the best laughs in our house. Ever.


Aria said...

Still snickering... WAS laughing myself sick. Great post! Well done, Joan! Working my way down to the next one... (I'm playing catch-up. No one has popped over to drink coffee, do laundry or use my computer yet today lol~in an eye roll sort of way!) Too Funny and Accurate... Hallelujah Sistah!

Anonymous said...

agree absolutely. I am tempted to remind those who send me Christmas cards covered in glittery muck that they can't be recycled. But come to think of it, it would make no difference. Their green credentials are nil anyway. I try to hold off sending cards for as long as possible, and a lot of mine go in the box at the Sailing Club rather than in the post, so the end of next week will be fine. I just make sure that those who send me cheap and nasty get the best, shiniest ones to make them feel guilty, and that the senders of religious cards get one referring to Yule logs, as pagan as I can find. Yuletide Greetings all :-)

Anonymous said...

Too funny, but you forgot the fill-in-the-blanks cards. Think "Insert personal greeting here." thanks for the chuckle.

Sara said...

The brag cards are the worse expecially when you know the people they are bragging about and your like, Okay, its nice that he was the sixth smartest in his grade but why are they leaving his child out, oh, that must not be a brag, since he is only 16,gotcha!"

I got all of those cards this year, execpt the dirty ones!!

Have a very merry Christmas
Big Hugs from Cole and me

jessica said...

Couldn't have said it any better myself. Unfortunately, most of us have received most (if not all) of the ones you mentioned. I really enjoy the tongue-in-cheek ones, ones with some humor in them. My ex, Gary, sends those out from time to time - I read them at Amy's. Great remarks about one of his sons approaching driving age and having his eye on (of course) some car with great SPEED capabilities -- as if! Give me those kind, anyday!

The Retired One said...

maninthemoon: Yep, a real personal sentiment, right? :-}

Sara: well, maybe I can send you a dirty one so your set is complete. haha

Jessica: I like funny ones too....I agree with you. Some of them cross the line sometimes,but most often if they are a bit sick, they crack me up!

SquirrelQueen said...

Through the years we have received all of the above but this year we have been lucky. Only one bragging one out of the whole bunch so far, yeah!

The Retired One said...

SquirrelQueen: yes, you are lucky! Our last count? 4 bragging, and one "have your found Jesus yet?" one. Gheesh, I didn't even know he was MISSING. :-}

Mary Sheehan Winn said...

You hit the nail on the head. I laughed at every one of those stereotypical card descriptions!

The Retired One said...

Mary: I am sure we all get them...but now at least they give me some chuckles because they are so ridiculous.

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I retired in June 2008 and started my blog in November 2008. I worked at several jobs as a Registered Nurse prior to retirement. I LOVE being retired! Blogging has offered me a whole new venue to start writing again and to share new hobbies such as gardening, birdwatching and sharing my nature photography. If you like my blog, PLEASE click on "follow this blog". Having a lot of followers reading my blog gives me incentive to continue to do photography and to continue to write. I also LOVE comments, so I encourage you to leave me a comment after you read my posts. Thanks everyone, for taking the time to read me!!

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