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Sunday, October 11, 2009

More Local Police Reports!!

I decided to give your eyes a break from nature photographs today.

Ahh..yes..readers....time again for more local police reports, along with MY COMMENTS in bold italics!!

If you haven't been reading my blog very long, you snooze, you lose then I will explain:

Our community evidently doesn't get much crime, so they print the police reports from pychos that have no life so they call this shit into the police wasting precious county funds that came in (in our local newspaper). This provides much comedy to yours truly, and of course is open season for blogging.

So go ahead and scan this particular day's awful crimes in Marquette, Michigan and then you will see my attempt at humor comments below the newspaper clipping:

1. Upset over lack of garbage pick up. Well, hell the police. Because you KNOW that has to be SOME kind of crime. Book 'em Dano..."garbage collection 312". Too many hefty bags in one spot. Go find the Sanitation Engineers and smack 'em around a little to get the real truth of the crime out of them. Maybe they left some other hefties in an alley somewhere and it is a whole ring of crime.

2. Man with child kicked an adult goose? Well, isn't he going to get the Father of the Year award? I can hear it now. "This is what I am going to do to you Junior, if you don't shape up!" "You gonna cry? Well, here..I will give you something to cry about!" (on second thought, I think I would have called the police if I saw some man doing this too!)

3. Obviously this is the child that had the Father of the Year kicking the goose. Violence begats violence, right? However, let me get this straight. Someone called the police because a child with a sword or play dagger attacked them? Maybe it wasn't a PLAY dagger or play sword..maybe it was a REAL dagger or REAL sword? So many details missing on this one....but if it was a PLAY dagger or PLAY sword, this is probably some old biddy lady who can't get into super hero play. Maybe Maxine?

4. Gee, I wonder what kind of "hand gestures" those WERE?? The In-laws drove by using hand gestures. Bwaaahahahahhaaaaa. I think this calls for some family counseling, don't you? Naww. we will just call the police. Come to think of it, maybe they had already called the police about something the in-laws had done and maybe that's why they drove by "using hand gestures". Oh, I would love to hear the rest of that story.....or....maybe not.

5. What a GREAT idea. We have a couple of rusty old fold-up lawn chairs hanging around. I think I will just sneak them on my neighbor's porch and run away like hell leave them somewhere so I don't have to take them to the dump. Unless of course it is the first guy's house (where he will call the police if the garbage isn't picked up from his house).

6. SOME women would LOVE to find a man in their hot tub. C'mon, how convenient is THAT? I don't think he should have destructed property, but it is bound to happen when you are trying to grab a slippery hunka hunka burnin' love out of your wet hot tub. Now ME? I would have poured a few bottles of bleach in the tub, turned the jets up to HIGH and let him scrub out the tub for me. (Knowing that the bleach may cause him third degree burns a little skin discomfort in the process. But his doolittle would be squeaky clean and disinfected, now wouldn't it?


I know.

You are TOTALLY jealous you don't live in our crime-filled, exciting-beyond-belief area.

Just THINK of the murder mysteries you could author from the real-life crimes of passion we have here...


Brian Miller said...

i so want to live somewhere that has such amazing crimes...look i am really sorry i left the lawn chairs when i was attacked by the geese, my son tried to help with his toy sword, which the inlaws thought he was waving at them....really its all my fault, i'm sorry..going to the hot tub now because i just dont have th energy to take the trash to the dump after we missed pick up this week. lol.

The Retired One said...

Brian: hahaaaaa...I just KNEW it was YOU!!!

Jenn Jilks said...

So nice to read posts from a kindred (nutbar) spirit!

jessica said...

I was also building my own story, concerning the in-laws and hand gestures. I am amused at how many squad cars showed up at the scene of (I am speculating here) some teen or young adults suspected of shoplifting in Duluth. And yet we couldn't get a squad car for assistance if your own automobile had a breakdown in Houston. At least if that were the case in Duluth, I would know that they were in hot pursuit of shoplifters, keeping the prices lower for those of us who PAY for our purchases. You rule, Guys in Blue!

Bernie said...

Too funny and as usual your comments are even funnier...thanks for the laugh my friend...Hugs

DJan said...

I like the idea of adding a little bleach to the hot tub. It does make you wonder what is going on in this incredibly busy metropolis! Good grief. Wish I had a comment as good as Brian's, that was brilliant.

Lesley said...

haHA!! I LOVE your police reports!! I can just imagine the reports on Halloween - "pumpkin assaulted with kitchen knife" ... "child loading bag with candy" ... "witches roaming the streets" ... hee hee!!

Scrappy Doo said...

# 4 ROLFMAO!!! Sounds like my in- laws. Instead of calling the cops, I think I would just throw some uncollected garbage at em while sitting in my new lawn furniture.

The Retired One said...

Jenn: I'll match your nutbar and raise you one..hahaaaaa...

Jessica: I am sure the police have to answer every one of those bogus calls, otherwise they would get sued for not coming to the aid of some helpless citizen..but it makes me so mad that people call some of these stupid reports in to them in the first place!

Bernie: you are welcome! Stay warm up there in Canada! Hugs to you!

DJan: Yes, he cracked me up!!

Lesley: You are probably right...they are going to have a field day on Halloween here with the police call wait and see!

Scrappy: NOW I know why your name is Scrappy. ha

SquirrelQueen said...

Some very strange happenings in your town, I notice some of the same streets are mentioned more than once. Just above the disorderly person angry about lack of rubbish pickup is someone who found their own solution to the problem, throw it in a barrel and set it on fire.

Thanks for the laughs,

grannyann said...

I think my favorite is the one about the in-laws making hand gestures.

♥ Boomer ♥ said...

As always, these are fabulous! As are your comments! VERY interesting place you live in! ♥

Roxane B. Salonen said...

This brings back memories from my time working for a newspaper in Washington. It was my job to scour the newspaper from 100 years ago and snatch pieces of it to put in today's society news. Pretty wild stuff, even back then, I tell you. I love how you've woven this together to make it truly entertaining. :)

Sue said...

Hilarious, as usual! I'm amazed at the complete waste of an officers time most of these "complaints" are. The folks calling in some of this stuff need to get a hobby!
But, I'M glad its printed-cuz I LOVE your comments.

Lynn from For Love or Funny said...

Those police reports are hysterical!

The Retired One said...

SquirrelQueen: Yes, it is always interesting what gets reported, for sure! And I always find funny ones.

Grannyann: That is my favorite one too. I can just imagine the police hanging up and laughing their a---- off and telling their fellow police officers about the call that just came in. :-}

Boomer: All smaller towns are interesting places to live in. It is part of their charm. I wouldn't trade it for anything!

Roxanne: Just reading the paper here is entertaining. ha Once there was a 1/4 page ad that invited people to someone's SURPRISE birthday party. I got the giggles. Like, didn't the birthday person know how to read?

Sue: Yes they definitely need a life. But I sure enjoy the reports because they are a source of humor for me.

Lynn: Yes, they are. Aren't they fun???

Eva Gallant said...

Thanks for the laughs this morning! lol

Catherine@AGardenerinProgress said...

These local police reports are pretty funny. I love what people will call the police about, like the garbage not getting picked up :)

The Retired One said...

Eva: You are welcome! These just shout "FUNNY!" at me when I read some of them. ha

Catherine: I know! Aren't some people odd?

Fran Hill said...

I think the people making gestures were yelling, 'We've just seen a ... we've just seen a ... we swear we've seen a child ... with a dagger and a sword ...'

We don't have fantastic newspaper stuff like this in our local papers in England. We get reports of drunken driving and things like that, but 'dead deer in road' and 'dog barking'? Who gets to write this stuff up? I WANT that job.

The Retired One said...

Fran: Funny! I know..some of these are so ridiculous, I am sure they laugh their butts off even at the police station when the calls come in.

Ratty said...

I love reading your police reports because they are all so lighthearted. When you live too close to Detroit there aren't many fun police reports. Maybe I need to scan our papers a little more to see if we have anything like this. Mine sound kind of barbaric compared to these. I read one a while ago where somebody called the police to report that he had been shot twice. The only problem was that it was by two different people that lived miles apart. It turned out that he got caught twice trying to rob their houses. He wasn't seriously injured.

The Retired One said...

Ratty: I can only imagine the awful stuff that occurs in Detroit. I would be like you and not want to read about them. No humor there, I am sure!!

Hot Tubs, Saunas, Steam Rooms said...

Great blog post!

If they had one of our ionizers in their hot tub they wouldn't have to worry about making him scrub it clean with bleach! :)

The Retired One said...

Hot Tubs: sounds like an ad to me. ha

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I retired in June 2008 and started my blog in November 2008. I worked at several jobs as a Registered Nurse prior to retirement. I LOVE being retired! Blogging has offered me a whole new venue to start writing again and to share new hobbies such as gardening, birdwatching and sharing my nature photography. If you like my blog, PLEASE click on "follow this blog". Having a lot of followers reading my blog gives me incentive to continue to do photography and to continue to write. I also LOVE comments, so I encourage you to leave me a comment after you read my posts. Thanks everyone, for taking the time to read me!!

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