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Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Victoria's Real Secret

I don't know if you experience the Oh-My-God-He-Bought-Me-Lingerie-for-Christmas-Again syndrome this time of year, but it hits this house about every second or third year.

Don't get me wrong.

The sentiment is wonderful. (Not to mention that I am sure in giving you the expensive lingerie, most husbands think they might get a little sumpin-sumpin).

And, it isn't the giving of the lingerie that is the part that gets to me.

It is the fact that most husbands love the slutty, uncomfortable kind. (That would make even hooker's blush).

You know....the cut-off-your-circulation thongs, the bras with the cut-outs in the worst places, and the garter belt dealies. (What IS IT about men and garter belts?) (It is my theory that they all must only have been able to afford the old porn films when they were know...the Mrs. Robinson kind, where ladies wore garters and nylons and slowly, seductively rolled them down, one-at-a-time.....whilst the young, pimply boys drool while they watched).

But the real kicker is that when you unwrap this lingerie (that they have lovingly picked out for you) realize (in horror) that they have bought you (every single time): Size 2's.

Bless their heart that they think you would EVER fit into that size.( I may have.......back when I was in first grade.)

But, more than likely, husbands don't even look at the size. Once they see the lingerie on the rack, they probably glaze over (like a dog in heat) and grab it and buy it, with visions of Sugar Plums in their heads.

So, there you are...Christmas Eve....the only lights on are the Christmas tree lights and the fireplace glow....and he pulls out your gift, grinning that Cheashire cat grin you know so well. You immediately recognize "the look" and you immediately know what is in that he-no-way-in-Hell-wrapped-this-himself poofy package.

And, of you spot the Size 2
....he says:
"Honey, why don't you try it on to see how you like it?
(Translation: "Why don't you try it on, cause I KNOW I'M GOING to like it". Can ya, huh? Can ya'??? Can ya? Puh-leeeeeeeeze?")

So, don on the encased-in-steel underwire push-up bra with the indecent cut outs.

You pray to God for a miracle that the sliver-thin back hooks have the holding-power of those infom-merical wall hooks that hold up a cement block and 40-wheelers. You tuck in your arms to your side so the under-arm fat doesn't hang over like large saddle bags.

Then you strap on the garter belt, which means sucking in your breath as much as possible and tucking in flesh like putting bread dough into a sausage-casing.

Never mind that you can't breathe (and that your intestines are squished so tight that there will be absoloutely no digestion going on for the next two weeks and that as soon as you do this, it backed up and caused a little unpleasant taste in the back of your throat).

Next, you roll excruciatingly-painful nylons up your thunder thighs and try to walk cute (but careful, so they don't roll down into tootsie-rolls as you do this).

Actually, it is quite a talent to be able to do this, so give yourself a high-five for being able to do this feat. (What was I thinking? CAN'T do a high-five due to the bra that you have on!)

Besides, it is quite amazing that you could even bend over to put on these nylons with the grip-of-death garter belt you have on. Fashion hint: lay on the bed (like when you were a teenager trying to zip-up those too-tight blue jeans) and lift one leg in the air at a time....throwing each nylon in the air like a butterfly net catching a Monarch...
(After a few tries you will lasoo that baby in a nylon stocking and be able to slip it down the air-hung leg).

But be careful of the second health risk: attaching the garter belt nylon straps onto each nylon.
I have been known to put a few eyes out with that little gymnastic act...and the circus has no contortionists better than what I have endured to attach the back garters..... I have the permanent leg welts to prove it. do it for him.

Because, in the know that this is going to be HIS best Christmas present.


Merry Christmas, honey.


Aria said...

I soooo remember wearing those outfits! Bless your hubby, for not only thinking that you're a size two, but that you are capable of fulfilling his every gutter-brained fantasy that he came up with when he found it in the store... and bless my hubby for never buying me an outfit like that. ;)

Insanitykim said...

You said it all...I can totally relate! hahaha!

The Retired One said...

Aria, I could always send your hubby a Xmas wish list for a Size 2 garter belt outfit or two...heck with your recent cold and hot flashes you have been having,it might be breezy enough. HA!

Anonymous said...

Considering what she wears, it's hard to believe that Victoria has any secrets at all. ;)

bemused26 said...

You have such a way with words- that was one of the best blog posts i've ever read! Very vivid!!!
Thankfully my boyfriend would not even dream of buying me something like that for christmas- I wouldn't know where to start. I wore stockings and suspenders once for a rocky horror show night and was so confused when i tried to go to the bathroom. I couldn't get my underwear down because i had put all the gear on in the wrong order! It was so funny talking to my mum through the cubicle door, everyone in the ladies listening and trying to guide me how to get it all undone and then back on the right way. funny for them i guess anyway. That is why my boyfriend wouldn't bother- he knows me too well :)

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I retired in June 2008 and started my blog in November 2008. I worked at several jobs as a Registered Nurse prior to retirement. I LOVE being retired! Blogging has offered me a whole new venue to start writing again and to share new hobbies such as gardening, birdwatching and sharing my nature photography. If you like my blog, PLEASE click on "follow this blog". Having a lot of followers reading my blog gives me incentive to continue to do photography and to continue to write. I also LOVE comments, so I encourage you to leave me a comment after you read my posts. Thanks everyone, for taking the time to read me!!

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