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Saturday, December 26, 2009

More Dumb State Laws: Georgia


It is time again for another installment of DUMB STATE LAWS, with MY COMMENTS in bold italics.

This time?

The GREAT state of GEORGIA:

Shall we begin, then?:

1. The term “sadomasochistic abuse” is defined so broadly, that it could possibly be applied to a person handcuffing another in a clown suit.
Now I know you will have this little scene in your mind forever. Let's repeat: you cannot handcuff another person in a clown suit lest you be charged for sadomasochistic abuse in Georgia. I don't know about you, but clown sexual fantasies has never been on my top ten list. Clowns are creepy. (especially ever since Stephen King's novel: "It" for me).

2. All sex toys are banned.
Georgia is just a no-fun state, now isn't it? Wonder how they enforce this law? Do they do a bedroom check at every house and every hotel? What if you fly into Georgia? Do they check your luggage at the airport like customs? Wonder what the sentence/fine is if they find them?
If any of you playful couples are planning on taking a vacation to Georgia, make sure you know this!

3. It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroners office.
I guess it wouldn't be appropriate to whisper to the guy next to you (while you are viewing the body): "Why, damn it, he looks like hell!" , then, would it?
They might arrest you right there on the spot.
No exclamations when you see the person died, like "Shit!" or "Well, sonofabitch!"
Or if you are at the Coroner's office trying to solve a murder, you can't exclaim: "you mean he was fu-king poisoned by his wife?"

Nope, not in Georgia.

4. Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs.
Well, get your asses in the shower, then!

5. No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday.
That will be very inconvenient. Because EVERYBODY carries an ice cream cone in their back pocket, especially on Sunday. Its right up there with a cucumber in their pants, you know what I mean?
Honey, your pants are leaking!
No, dear...that is the illegal ice cream cone in my back pocket. I got it after church because I am a rabble rowser.

6. In Acworth: All citizens must own a rake.
Obviously, this is a very leafy area of Georgia.
They don't do census taking, they ring your doorbell and pronounce: "let me see your mandatory rake!". "And your baby's too!"

7. In Athens-Clarke County: If you want to read your favorite book in public to your friends, do it before 2:45 AM.
Vonceil, do you hear our neighbors readin' a book out on the veranda? It isn't after 2:45am is it, darlin'? Because if it is, I'm gonna call the Sheriff!"

8. and: It is illegal to sell two beers at once for a single price. For example, a bar can’t run a 2 Bud Lights for $5 special.
This is Georgia, folks. Back there in the hills, I hear you ken git two Bud lights for $2.50 a piece, but shoot, don't y'all sell them two for $5.00, 'cuz we hear that's eeeeee-legal!

9. Though being forced to close your business is bad enough, Athens-Clarke County forces one to obtain a license before holding a Going-Out-Of-Business sale.
Well, shoot. Then that means you probably gotta get a tax license to do your taxes too.

10. Also in Athens-Clarke County: Persons under the age of 16 may not play pinball after 11:00 PM.
But, they can still read their favorite book out loud in public to their friends from 11p to 2:45a, as long as they aren't buying two beers for $5.00.

11. Also: On Mondays, it is illegal for one to whistle very loud after 11:00 PM.
Ok, so let's get this straight (one more time). If its Monday,and they are under 16, they can whistle and play pinball up to 10:59pm at which time they can read their favorite book outloud to their friends up to 2:44am, and since no ages were mentioned yet about ages, they might be able to drink beer as long as they don't buy two for one money. Evidently if it is between Tuesday and Sunday, all bets are off and they can go ahead and whistle very loud any dang time. This is getting really confusing!

12. Also in Athens-Clarke County: You may not get drunk on “The Bus".
So you can just drive drunk then. Or call a taxi. That is, unless the Taxi driver is a bit tipsy.

13. Also in Athens-Clarke County, Georgia: Alabama slingshots may not be used in the city limits.
Because we all know that ALABAMA slingshots are much more deadly than Georgia-made slingshots. I guess they are ok to use in the city limits, then? What about those Ohio made ones?

14. In Atlanta: It is against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.
I suppose you could put your showered Asses there, or just leave your giraffe loose. Its going to be hard to see them in traffic, though...unless you have a moon roof on your pickup.

15. Also in Atlanta: One man may not be on another man’s back.
Man I wish my last job (and boss) would have been in Atlanta. Because he was ALWAYS on everybody's back.

16. In Columbus: It is illegal to carve your initials on a tree, even if it is on your own property.
Now, that is downright un-romantic.
Evidently it is okay to carve cuss words, slogans or speeches on the trees though, just not our initials. Or maybe someone else's initials.

17. Also in Columbus: Cussing over the telephone is against the law.
Whoa...those jails are going to be realllllly full in Georgia,then.

18. Also in Columbus: No one may tease an idiot.
I don't know about you, but this one just made me laugh.
Read it out loud again, in a southern, Georgian accent.
Go ahead.
I'll wait.
There, it made you smile, didn't it?
(If you didn't smile, you must be an idiot).
Guess you can't tease their politicians then, right?

19. Also in Columbus: It is illegal to wear a hat in a movie theater.
Not even if you are cold.
And if you wear a hat in a Georgia movie theater, make sure and remember it against the law if they tease you by calling you an idiot. (see No. 18 above for further information).

20. Also in Columbus: To swim in any pond in the city, one must wear a ‘suitable bathing suit’.
I wonder what the definition of a "suitable" bathing suit is?
And wait...why would you swim in a city POND? I can see a lake or even a big river, but a city pond?
They must of had some skinny dippers up to no good in order to have to make this a law there?

21. Also in Columbus: Picnics are prohibited in graveyards.
Well, dang it Billy Bob, now whatcher goin' to do this comin' Saturday night?
Where are we gonna bring the girls on our dates? We can't swim in the city pond in our skivvies either~

22. Also in Columbus: No person may be buried under a sidewalk of a cemetery.
Alot of Georga citizens are going to be disappointed...they hoped to bury their first husbands/wives there so they could "walk all over" them for a change.

23. Also in Columbus: Bars may not hold a “Lady’s Night".
What? Say it isn't so!!! No special bargains on drinks for the ladies? How else are those men going to pick up women and take them to the graveyards for a hot picnic date?

24. Also in Columbus: The fine for waving a gun in public is higher than actually shooting it.
So, go ahead, shoot 'em penalties for having a full-blown human arcade game in Georgia, no Siree...
Heeee Hawwww!

25 Also in Columbus: It is illegal for stores to sell corn flakes on Sunday.
I am dying of curiosity to see why they needed a law about this one!
Maybe a full blown breakfast of eggs, ham, toast, hashbrowns and grits is mandatory on Sundays wimpy Corn Flakes allowed! Maybe they figured the carbs would make people dose off in church and the Preacher wouldn't have THAT!!

26. Also in Columbus: It is illegal to carry a chicken by it’s feet down Broadway on Sunday.
Just carry it by hanging on to its neck or go down Main Street instead of on Broadway. Somehow I want to sing the song "on Broadway" when I heard that law (because there must be a way to put chickens in the lyrics somewhere!?)

27. In Gainsville: Chicken must be eaten with the hands.
Hmm. No forks? Maybe that's why Kentucky fried chicken's logo is "finger lickin' good"? They must have been to Gainsville, Georgia to eat.

28. In Jonesboro: It is illegal to say “Oh, Boy.
Go ahead and swear though. They must be used to it..because Oh Boy is against the law. Go ahead and say WTF???? It is much better to hear.

29. In Kennesaw: Every head of household must own a gun.
So let me get this straight. In SOME parts of Georgia, every citizen must have a rake.....and in some parts of Georgia, every head of household must own a gun. Well, they better get better tool sheds to hold all the shit that is mandatory.
And if you noticed, they didn't say every household head must have bullets. Just the gun. And if you are in Georgia reading this, don't say "Oh Boy!" about this or my comments, either.

30. In Marietta: Though it is illegal to spit from a car or bus, citizens may spit from a truck.
Billy Bob, of course we are gonna spit from our else are we goin' get rid of our chew?

31. In Quitman: It is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.
Of course it is, because they got sick of the joke: Why did the chicken cross the road?
And besides, if you gotta eat chickens with your hands, they don't want your hands to get all dirty from their little dusty feet. Especially on Broadway in Columbus, Georgia.

32. In Roswell: The flooring of adult bookstores and video stores must be nonabsorbant and smooth textured.
Think about this one for just a moment.
Now take a deep breath and say: EEEE-ew.

That's it for the Georgia Dumb State Laws, folks!
Stay tuned for future installments of more dumb state laws coming up in my blog, near you!

And if you are from Georgia, don't worry...I will be just as brutal when it comes to making fun of my home state when we hit the dumb laws from Michigan. (I am doing them in alphabetical order, so it will be a little while before I get there.)

P.S. I got my computer back...YAY for me ! The good news is that it appears to have all my pictures saved. The bad news is that I tried to download all my Florida pictures on it today and it will not do it from my camera. (sigh). So I will call the gurus back on Monday to have them walk me through it. I tried to reload my camera's software and it will not let me download to it or Picasa.
So hang tight, those Florida pictures really were nice and I will be back to posting more photography as soon as I can for you. Hopefully some time in 2010!!!


Brian Miller said...

yay! computer is back!

um , are you teasing know that is Georgia...smiles.

Claudia said...

The scariest part is the laws were made because someone already did that. I do not know about the giraffe law ????

Unknown said...

Once again! Deleriously funny!

The Retired One said...

Brian: Now if I could JUST post pictures, Christmas would really be here. ha

Claudia: Yes, that is the scariest part! ha Welcome to my blog, so glad you found me and joined on as a Follower...thanks so much!

Eva: Glad you liked it!

Wanda..... said...

Alphabetical order...glad I get to laugh at dumb Michigan laws before you get to Ohio's and make me mad!!! :) Some I can almost grasp, but most leave me dumfounded!

Cowguy said...

Ah hem... I have a confession. That whole thing with the donkey in the bathtub at that hotel in Atlanta... we were just fooling around. I never meant for a law to be passed and stuff. We've got some great pictures though!

Rick (Ratty) said...

I think I want to handcuff a clown just to see what all the fuss is about. The law about not keeping a donkey in a bathtub seems to be in more than one state. A bathtub must have been a very popular stable for a while.

I'm glad you got your computer fixed.

RNSANE said...

I am from Georgia, originally, but move to CA over thirty years ago...I am sure there are plenty of dumb laws here, too...I must have missed those.

DJan said...

Not only are these really funny, but where did you learn to speak Georgian? And who is Billy Bob? Thanks again for the workout (from laughing so hard).

The Retired One said...

Wanda: Oh, don't will definitely hear dumb Michigan fact, there are a few recent ones they passed that are ridiculous. ha

Cowguy: I know YOU would NEVER make an ass of yourself!

Ratty: Maybe the bathtub as a stable may be so it could be hosed down after the animals were in it? ha Yes, I have listed that before in other states' dumb state laws.

RNSane: Just go to my search engine on my blog (scroll down and you will find it) and put in "dumb state laws" or "California" and you will find them. I am going in alphabetical order, so there will be plenty more states to come.

DJan: I think I might have dated Billy Bob once. (But not twice) :-}

Insanitykim said...

Seriously, this is in your top 3 of commentaries for state kids kept asking me what I was laughing at! Loved this Joan! f

grannyann said...

#5 about the donkeys should go with our new law (which by the way is getting repealed) about farm animals in the city limits.

Bernie said...

Joan so nice to be home and even more fun to read your "dumb laws" love it......thanks for such laughs as I snuggle in my own bed. Talk soon......:-) Hugs

The Retired One said...

Insanity: Thanks! I can't help it, the stupid laws just have to be shared, you know what I mean??

Grannyann: I think if they let more farm animals in cities and less people, they would have less problems. :}

Bernie: How nice to hear from you and that you are home! I used my Snuggie over the last few days and always think of you when I do! ;-}

Anonymous said...

I am so glad you posted these since we will be headed through Georgia soon!! Talk about dumb laws; there is a road sign along hwy 64 here that states "DO NOT FEED THE BEARS ALONG THE HIGHWAY"...ok, I'll feed them elsewhere!

S-V-H said...

You gave me and my husband a BIG laugh, reading all these laws...I'm glad I'm not in Georgia! But how are the laws in Florida..."F" comes before "M"....looking forward to read that.

In the meantime HAPPY NEW YEAR to you and your husband, hoping your FL photos will be online soon. :)

Susanne and David

The Retired One said...

Cathy: I loved Georgia when we have driven though it (twice). It is such a pretty state. And be careful, whereever you feed the bears. :-}

Susanne: Just go to my lijit search engine (on the bottom of the first page where the blogposts are) and type in: Florida dumb laws, and it will bring you to it...(if not just put in dumb state laws and it should get you there). I already posted that one about two months ago. Enjoy!!!

SquirrelQueen said...

I have to admit, well maybe I don't but I will, that I grew up in Georgia. I did not live in any of those towns however. With that cleared up this is hysterical, only in GA would you find some of those inane laws. The Acworth rake law does make a little sense, that town is full of huge trees.

I think I went to school with Billy Bob, we might have dated once but I try to forget things like that.


Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

The Retired One said...

SquirrelQueen: Oh, you dated Billy Bob TOO?? haha

Anonymous: Thanks, I guess. I think all bloggers get better over time.
When you start out, you are just experimenting with writing style and with what you want to do or say. Then you develop a style and learn more and more about graphics, etc. and really find your groove. It is an evolution.
I hope I keep growing and changing too, otherwise we get stale, don't we?

REMINDER: All photographs on this blog are COPYRIGHTED.

REMINDER: All photographs on this blog are COPYRIGHTED.
Please do not copy any of my photographs (or narratives) without my permission! All pictures will be tracked for copyright violations.

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I retired in June 2008 and started my blog in November 2008. I worked at several jobs as a Registered Nurse prior to retirement. I LOVE being retired! Blogging has offered me a whole new venue to start writing again and to share new hobbies such as gardening, birdwatching and sharing my nature photography. If you like my blog, PLEASE click on "follow this blog". Having a lot of followers reading my blog gives me incentive to continue to do photography and to continue to write. I also LOVE comments, so I encourage you to leave me a comment after you read my posts. Thanks everyone, for taking the time to read me!!

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