1. It’s illegal to take a lion to the movies.
I am sure this has to do with MGM...they'd get very jealous if your lion was prettier than their trademark...and then there'd be all that roaring back and forth from the beginning of the MGM movie and YOUR lion...and you don't want to get your lion all upset in the theater. Besides, can you imagine the size
popcorn and pop you'd have to get for your lion? I suppose he'd demand an aisle seat...and as you know, if your lion wants something, he GETS something...I'm not lion.
2. It is a park rule violation to be in a public park with a sleeveless shirt.
And, you can see why by the picture. I mean it would scare little babies and dogs, and make old ladies cry. All those armpit hairs hanging out (not to mention other parts of the anatomy). So all you "wife beater" shirt owners...keep them in your closet if you plan on visiting a public park. Gheesh!
(Then again.....I think there are times when the city might want to make an exception now and then):
That could be dangerous! What if you knocked someone out? Would that cause a roll in the hay?
4. In Baltimore City:
You may not curse inside the city limits.
What??? Well, that is just f***in' ridiculous and they can just **&%^$#/ and ^%)
5. In Rockville:
Now that is ridiculous. How ELSE are they going to produce all those urine samples? And pass gas? And be happy? I know for a FACT that their patient satisfaction survey results would turn out a thousand percent better if they allowed this!
2. Candy may not contain more than 1% of alcohol.
Well! How ELSE are you going to make the kids
happy and jolly? Candy is dandy, but liquor is
We don't want anyone ELSE to die, especially of obesity, right? And if it is Gerald and it is sub sandwiches, well, that would darn right blow that entire ad campaign for his losing all that weight, and we can't have THAT. Besides, we don't want to have all that ONION smell when they are crying and wailing over the coffin.......
4. Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
I LIKE this law. But it should be tweaked. Snoring should be allowed outside by the SNORER and all bedroom windows can then be closed and securely locked so the rest of us can sleep!!
5. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
I say, charge every goat about $10.00 and then men can wear one for free!
Only cute young guys....(the old geezers can all enter Col. Sanders contests and then be made to shave them off. )
6. Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.
That would be a good idea...it is hard to reach the shift knobs with all that going on. Besides, then...how would he know what to charge for, ummmm...the RIDE????
And the windows get all steamy and how is he going to see to drive???
7. All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday.
That is ONE way to make sure people add money to the collection plates!
And, they come in handy for those shotgun weddings.
8. Hunting on Sundays is prohibited.
Except in church, evidently.
(See No. 7 above)
9. It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.
I like this law....!! Although all those morning showerers aren't going to like to have to bathe twice in 24 hours!
10. A woman can not be on top in sexual activities.
Oh, Massachusetts...you have no idea how
many people you are going to have to arrest!
11. No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car.
YOU tell my Mother-in-Law, (my back seat driver) that. (old joke)
12. Children may smoke, but they may not purchase cigarettes.
How wonderful for their health! But we don't want to
endanger them by exposing them to those stores, now do
we? (I am sure they changed this law by now! Let's hope!)
13. Quakers and witches are banned.
So, they equated Quakers with WITCHES???
Is that like comparing Republicans with Trolls and Democrats with Gremlins?
14. Alcoholic drink specials are illegal.
Now THAT is downright
UN-American. And, it will be a LOT
harder to pick up women in bars. Just
15. It is illegal to play the fiddle.
Well, I guess that is better than if they passed a law that you can't "fiddle around" in Boston?!
16. Two people may not kiss in front of a church.
Not even a bride and groom?? Gheesh! So much
for good luck and good wedding photos in your
album. Isn't God all about LOVE anyway?
17. No more than two baths may be taken within the confines of the city.
OH Lord, there is going to be some body odor goin' on there! What do they do? Have a BATH lottery?
What happened? Did someone forget to pay their water bill?
And what about #9 (above). I thought they couldn't go to bed without a full bath? So they are all pulling all-nighters except the two that won the bath lottery? Gheesh!
You are going to see a lot more people taking metal tubs out to the city outskirts and bathing there...wait...that must might be FUN!!!
18. No one may cross the Boston Common without carrying a shotgun in case of bears.
Well, if they'd let people BATHE more often, the smell wouldn't be attracting
all those bears, now would it?
I hope Smokey the Bear is exempt! And what if it is Sunday...they aren't allowed to hunt then!
19. Anyone may let their sheep and cows graze in the public gardens/commons at any time except Sundays.
On Sundays, the bears get the gardens to themselves, evidently. Oh, and watch for cow patties with those shiny sunday shoes, ya'll. (And be especially careful if they are made of LEATHER! The cows will SEE and not be happy!
20. It is illegal to eat peanuts in church.
Boy, there sure are a LOT of rules about
what you CAN and CANNOT do on Sun-
days or in church...or even outside of the
church. No wonder church attendance is
going down...(especially because of that
best be prayin' to repeal that law!
With THIS economy, depending on his/her political affiliation, it may be the GOVERNOR who is challenged to a duel.
And, whoever is dueling, they gotta be dodging all those sheep and cows at the same time. Oh well, if they accidentally stab one, it's community picnic meat-buffet time! And all those people carrying guns (in case of bears) can help too. Besides, since hunting is illegal on Sundays, how else are they going to get MEAT to eat?
22. Women may not wear heels over 3 inches in length while on the common.
Well, of course not....all those sheep droppings and cow patties, and bears chasing her....no one will be safe! Although, they could save a TON of money on aerating their lawns now, wouldn't they?
23. No one may take a bath without a prescription.
Now wait just a dog-gone minute! First you say you can't go to bed without first a full bath, then you say that only 2 people at a time can take a bath in the city limits, and NOW you also need a PRESCRIPTION to take a bath???? I'd say this state has ISSUES with taking a bath!!!! Yup, take two aspirin with a full glass of water, before meals with a bath. That will help you handle all these crazy bathing laws in Massachusetts. Freud would have had a ball figuring out who made up all these crazy laws!
Well, it's good to know where the Grinch's home state was....evidently it was Massachusetts. We can't be having anyone seeing your Christmas lights from Main St., now can we?? Poor Cindy Lu Who!
25. In Longmeadow, It is illegal for two men to carry a bathtub across the town green.
SEE??? SEE what I mean about the bath fetishes in Massachusetts?
Of COURSE they are going to be trying to sneak in bathtubs...they are trying to get a bath, for cripe's sake!! I say...let's have that duel and duke it out so we can finally take baths in Massachusetts! Whose with me????!!!!!
27. It is illegal to buy, sell or possess a squirt gun.
How ELSE are they gonna get clean????
28. Silly string is illegal in the city limits.
Ah, shucks...since you can't have much fun on a Sunday in Massachusetts I was hoping you could at LEAST do that!
29. One may not detonate a nuclear device in the city.
Well, let's hope NOT!!!! They needed a special LAW
on this one??? Why? Was the local hardware store
running a special? I'd say there more have been
going on than just bathtub issues in that state....
Mighty neighborly of them...besides that way, it smells even WORSE than the non-bathing residents and will serve as a cover for the human
Again, I ask, why did they see a NEED to pass this law?
First you can't have a nuclear device and now no space guns?
Do the Aliens KNOW this?
32. In Woburn, in bars, it is actually illegal to “walk around” with a beer in your hand.
So much for the entertainment !
Besides, how are all those men going to carry my drinks to my table when I visit Massachusetts then?
I have a hankering to visit a place that won't let me bathe unless I win the bath lottery and get a prescription for one, and if I DO...I'm gonna need a beer or two brought to me!!!!