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Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Random Thoughts about Random Subjects. Today?: Should I have Reconsidered Buying that Used Car with the Mystery Stain?

Time for yet another "Random thoughts about Random Subjects". Today's is: " Should I have Reconsidered buying that used car with the mystery stain?"

1. We are cheap frugal. 

2.  I like to call it "going green".

3. On everything.

4. Most of our house has used things in it.

5. Except my underwear.  That would just plain be gross.

6. Where was I?

7. Oh yeah.  Being green. (Get your mind off the underwear, gheesh!)

8. So, we have never bought a new car. Never.  Not in our 38 + years of blistered blissful marriage.

9. So when our last clunker died and went to rusty-car heaven, we went looking for our next victim.

10. Oh, wait. That's not correct. Our last car was driven down to Florida in a frenzy because our youngest daughter's car died an ugly death and she needed something fast to be able to like, feed herself by going to work every day. So, being the awesome parents we are, we drove down and gave it to  her.

11. I know, like you care.

12. Anyway, a friend of mine at work advertised on Facebook that he had a used car for sale.

13. I know what you are thinking: never, ever buy a used car from a friend. Nope. I was cool with that. So we inquired and got interested. The car was used at the local hospital as a car to transport the Physical Therapists to see patients. It didn't have a lot of mileage on it, but they wanted to upgrade to bigger cars to be safer on our snowcovered roads and that was why they were selling it. We have a four wheel drive for winter, so this was a nice solution for us to get a smaller car for better gas mileage. OH, WTF am I telling you all of that anyway? You don't give a rat's ass. Moving on.

14. Basic little car, good gas mileage...good price. Sounded good to us.

15. We had the guy drive it over to our house for last inspection, to test drive it, you know, the usual kicking the tires kind of thing.

16. He arrived at dusk.

17. We were not to be outsmarted, being the brilliant minds that we are.  We had a flashlight and a spotlight above our garage.

18. To our surprise, the car looked pretty darn good.  No major dents, scratches, etc. It purred like a kitten (and not even a sick kitten).

19. So I ask if I can take it for a spin, and of course he agrees so my hubby and I get ready to slip in and take it for THE. TEST. DRIVE.

20. As I open the driver's door, I notice the outline of something on the seat. Kind of a medium-sized irregular shadowy little thing (like the chalk outline of a dead body on CSI).

21. The Seller notices that I notice. 

22. Without making eye contact (note this fact for later discussion), he murmurs: "Yeah, ahem...I spilled some coffee there."  "I tried to wipe it up...but you know guys, I probably didn't use the right stuff".

23. Note to self: no eye contact is NOT a good thing.

24. I reach down and feel the chalked outline area with my hand. It is dry. Alrighty then, let's test drive, shall we? 

25. The car was great. Handled just fine, price was right and we came back and bought it.

26. It has been the best car ever.  Drove it to Florida and back and all over hell's creation and it is fantastic. Better than the "ha-ha-we-are-rich-and-we-ran-out-and-immediately-bought-a-trendy-zillion-dollar-hybrid-car-with-better-gas-mileage-than-you-you-peon" kind of car.

27. It gets great gas mileage and no car payments. 

28. But I didn't realize THE SHAME of the STAIN curse.

29. And. I have tried a zillion and a half products on the mystery stain. It won't come out.

30. Now, when I transport anyone (besides family, because hey, what is a mystery stain between blood relatives, anyway?) I quickly either put a seat cushion over it to hide it, or quickly sit my ass on it so no one notices it and get out of the car last. Thank GOD it does not smell.

31. I have several theories about THE STAIN. Some, funny. 

32. Some, not so funny.

33. Some, just too horrid to think about.

34. It could very well be pee. 

35. I mean, it could happen.

36. Some person, driving it...some idiot cutting him off on the freeway and HOLY SHIT I AM GONNA DIE, OH GOD,  I JUST PISSED MY PANTS kinda happening. 

37. Or, some person, driving it and a deer runs in front of the headlights, like two inches in front of him/her, and HOLY SHIT I AM GONNA DIE. OH GOD, I JUST PISSED MY PANTS kinda thing.

38. Or, some blue-haired granny, (you've seen 'em), barely seeing over the steering wheel, swerving down the street because she can't handle the steering wheel and like, actually think at the same time....who sneezed and well, you know.. (well those of you that are old and have had a zillion babies know) what might have happened....and since she clearly cannot remember how to use a turn signal, how the hell would she have remembered to wear her Depends?

39. Anyhoo....I try not to think of it everytime I drive the car. And I sure as hell am not going to do a "scratch and sniff" thing to figure out just what in the hell the stain is, REALLY. I prefer to believe the guy and think it is a Starbucks stain.

40. And, most of the time, I make my hubby drive so I can sit on the "clean side". I know. I am AWESOME.

41. But I know how I am going to make money, people. For reals.

42. They have cancer-sniffing dogs, and marijuana-sniffing dogs, right?

43. Well, I am going to market Starbucks-sniffing trained dogs. And then, I'm gonna keep one of the dogs for my personal use.

44. Not only will the trained dog be able to confirm any car mystery stains to indeed, be Starbucks stains...but since all dogs naturally hang their heads out of the window and sniff...I can train the little bugger to sniff out the nearest Starbucks on the freeway and give me a signal whenever it smells one.

45. I'm gonna be RICH, I tell ya!

46. I just hope the dog is not old, hasn't had a zillion puppies and that she isn't prone to sneezing when she gets excited. Otherwise, we are in for a whole new set of "problems".


Brian Miller said...

haha....that is a a stream on concious...i do think its cool you gave your car to her...smiles. you really dont want to see mine...

Linda said...

I might have pissed my pants reading this.
Funny story!
I like your sense of humor.

Grandmother said...

I like your seat cushion solution. Keep it there and even you won't have to think about the stain thingy. Besides- nice score!

Lesley said...

hahaha! Thanks for the laugh! I love your random thoughts. I'm not sure I'd ever ask you for a ride, though.


OMG!!! I laughed my ass off reading this! Great post ! Love your random thoughts ! Have a great day !

Sara said...

This giggle was exactly what I needed today! Hysterical......

Eva Gallant said...

this was so funny! And I thought I was the only person who used the phrase, "I don't give a rat's ass!" We have beought used cars most of the time, too. Never had a mystery stain, though!

jessica said...

My next car (like the one I am currently driving) will be a used car. I am happy with mine (Rav 4). Sold my used Forester to a co-worker so her daughter could drive it, and they were very happy with (#1) the price, and then (#2) the condition of the car. They were NOT so happy when the a/c went out the following year. But the car was 8 or 9 years old -- what did they expect, especially in Houston?! You LIVE with the a/c on, there. Funny post!!

Bernie said...

Thanks for the belly laugh, hope you are safe inside or better yet I hope there are no storms in your area today, I have been watching it on CNN all day thinking of all my American friends.
Love ya.....:-) Hugs

J.J. in L.A. said...

Ewwww! I hope it was Starbucks! I've had 3 cars - 2 used, 1 brand spankin' (she said 'spank') new. The used cars lasted 10 years together and the new car is still going strong at 11+. It only has 39,000 miles on it so I'll be one of those blue haired ladies driving around some day.

SquirrelQueen said...

OMG! I am laughing so hard right now I can barely type. All of our cars have been used too but so far no mystery stains.

MISTAYA said...

What a wonderful post!! Lot's of laughs as I can definitley relate to so much of your story.
Thanks for the laughs! Gail and Mistaya

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I retired in June 2008 and started my blog in November 2008. I worked at several jobs as a Registered Nurse prior to retirement. I LOVE being retired! Blogging has offered me a whole new venue to start writing again and to share new hobbies such as gardening, birdwatching and sharing my nature photography. If you like my blog, PLEASE click on "follow this blog". Having a lot of followers reading my blog gives me incentive to continue to do photography and to continue to write. I also LOVE comments, so I encourage you to leave me a comment after you read my posts. Thanks everyone, for taking the time to read me!!

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