Make it Brief!!

(*Due to my photographs being on hold for a few days due to a computer crash, you will still be reading more of my silly stuff today instead.) Carry on.....

So, inquiring minds want to know.

I dug through some of my archived articles (that I have for occasions such as computer disasters) and lucky you, I found this lovely tidbit!:

* The British retailer Debenhams announced in September that it
would begin selling men's briefs whose opening is more accessible
from the left side, for left-handers who have been forced for
decades to manipulate a right-side opening. Previously, said a
Debenhams executive, "[L]eft-handed men have to reach much
further into their pants, performing a Z-shaped maneuver through
two 180-degree angles before achieving the result that right-handed
men perform with ease." [Reuters, 9-23-09]

******************************************************************************************

Well, isn't THAT special?

Men just might be inconvenienced by how they reach into their underwear if they are left-handed, so they are going to accommodate them.

Well, ladies, what do you say about that one?

1. What about women's bras? Could anything be MORE uncomfortable to put on? What about the nifty maneuver WE have to do, where we have to put the bra on backwards, clip the fasteners and then have to do the tornado twist to get it back around so the cups are facing front by which we are then forced to have to do a dive bomb to get "the girls" into the cups?
We risk back injury, cuts on our midriff flesh and whiplash.
Did anyone think of helping US out? (Oh sure, there are front clasp bras, but anyone with bigger than size A breasts knows that if we have an episode of enthusiastic clapping at a musical, (or Lord forbid, we have to reach up to our shoulder to scratch an itch) those babies can violently unclasp with a violent snap that can easily shoot your eye out in the process).



2. What about women's thongs? Could anything be more uncomfortable that THOSE? A little dental floss that you have to dig out to find? All because MEN like them on us and beg us to get them. Is THAT accommodating to us women?




3. What about SPANX??? Oh sure, they suck together your loose flesh into a well-toned sausage casing like the miracle from St. Bernadine, but bend over and your little muffin top makes them snap and roll down into tootsie rolls faster than a mousetrap. There is no gracious or sneaky way to grab the Tootsie-rolled-Spanx roll and slide them back up to your waist without someone noticing....(trust me on this one, I have tried it!).......nope, not too comfortable....




4. For those of you still out of it and wearing pantyhose, is there anything more uncomfortable than THOSE to wear?
First you gotta roll a nylon pantyhose leg up your arm without running them and into a tight balled up tube and try and place the same side foot into the balled up tube without hip displacement while bending down and having all the blood rush to your head.
Then?
You gotta wiggle and wiggle it half way up your leg and stop there while you stretch out the other leg of the pantyhose (with your opposite hand, mind you...AND while your other leg is still uncomfortably hanging in a half-dressed state!) and roll THAT into a similar tube and place your other leg into that tube, working it up THAT leg.
Then? (So glad you asked!):
You do the left-right-left-right wiggle dance (equal on both sides now, for God's sake, or you gotta start all over) until you reach your butt with the pantyhose. Then you gotta squeeze your butt into them and hope there is enough material to cover it along with your legs...all without ONE RUN in the nylons.
Of course, you may only be 4 feet, 11 inches tall and bought the "TALL" sized pantyhose. It doesn' t matter. The crouch will STILL be hanging somewhere between your hoo-hoo and your knees, forcing you to walk like Natasha in the Adams Family.
Umm...nope, not too comfortable.

6. Men LOVE garter belts and nylons. I mean it practically makes them drool giggle. Is there anything more uncomfortable than those??? Not to mention the maneuvers you gotta do to get THOSE babies on.
First, you wiggle until you pull the boa constrictor garter belt over your hips with the dangling-flaps-of-death metal garters hanging down from them.
Then, you have to lie flat on the bed, preferably "spread eagle", hoping and praying that you don't lie on top of the ice-cold metal hooks that are just waiting to hold those nylons and scar the back of your thighs with their lasting impression.
Then, raise up your right leg to the sky and throw the nylon like a lasoo over towards your toes, hoping you will catch it like a butterfly in a net. Oh, don't worry......after twenty or thirty times, you will be successful.
Now contortion yourself by reaching behind you and clasp the nylon you just lasoo'd onto the rear garter clasp on that same side, simultaneously stifling your screams of pain with the pillow on the bed next to your head as you do this.
Repeat with your other leg, (if you don't have the shakes by now from holding your other leg in the air that long or the terrible pain in your side from the last maneuver).
By now the front metal clasps of the garter belt (awaiting the front of the nylons' delivery so that they can clasp on too) have been flapping around as you lasoo'd your leg with the nylons and attached the back garters. The front garters have been flogging you to death and making marks on the FRONT of your thighs with each and every previous movement.
Now that you have been a successful contortionist in clasping all four garter clasps to your nylons, you have to ever-so-slowly slide your nyloned and gartered self to the edge of the bed...(which causes static electricity to your hair, by the way).
If not carefully maneuvered (like an Olympian), one of the garters will undoubtedly snap up with such force, that not only will it put your eye out, but the biting sting of the incident will make your eyes run like when they blow ice cold air in your eye for a glaucoma check.
So now---------- you bring your sexy-self out of the bedroom in all your glory-- with your mascara running, hair sticking in every direction from the static electricity, limping due to the welts on your back thighs and red streaks on the front thighs, holding your wrenched back that is going to make your Chiropractor very, very rich.
Yeah.
Super comfortable.




7. How about Stilettos? You gotta have ankles of STEEL to stay upright on them and with slippery floors, you gotta be an Olympic gold medalist to skate in them. Thought that was someone snapping their fingers to their I-pod?
Oh, no.
Those were your ankles making those little snapping sounds.
Another comfortable fashion for women.

So.
How about it ladies?
Should we make SURE that left-handed men get those new underwear?
We wouldn't want them inconvenienced by making them do that awful "Z -shaped maneuver", now, would we????