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Saturday, July 18, 2009

Dumb State Laws: California!

It is time, once again for Dumb State Laws discussion.

Up next:
The wonderful state of California!

Here are some of the dumb state laws still on the books in California, along with MY COMMENTS in bold italics, of course!:

1. Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses. (Well, isn't that special? They have made it a law that the sun shines. Wonder if God, or Mother Nature for that matter....knew about this? Who gets arrested if the state goes through a period of no sunshine?)

2. Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. (I am sure they know about this! When they are feeling a little "randy", they will just make sure they measure the distance from a tavern, school or place of worship with their toolbelt tape measure, so as not to get arrested.)

3. Bathhouses are against the law. (Must get a little stinky in California).

4. It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. (Oh....ok. I will make sure that I bring my whale gun. Because, you know...there are so many in cars driving by these days.)

5. Women may not drive in a house coat. (Well, hell. What about in those MUMU dealies? or in the that okay?)

6. No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour. (So I gotta quit putting those bricks on the gas pedal and letting my car go....Then again...I can just set the car speedometer on 55 without a driver and all will be all right. Besides, there won't be a woman in a housecoat driving it, so it must be legal.)

7. Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways. (Well, of course they do. They are beautiful. All things beautiful have special rights in California, especially in Hollywood, right?)

Baldwin Park:
8. Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. (Well, damn. There goes my plan for my next birthday party!)

9. City Council order reads: “No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash. (It is imperative that mean Masters without rabies shots are kept on a leash. No one wants THEM going loose, endangering others.)

10. You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows. (Well, that seems reasonable, don't you think? After all, you shouldn't wear tennis shoes, unless you own two tennis courts (especially in California) right?)

11. It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds. (Of course you can spit in baseball wouldn't have any players, umpires or coaches otherwise!)

Cathedral City:
12. One may not bring their dog to school. (Dang! It is the only fun thing at school! How else will he learn to bark in French?)

13. One must obtain a permit from the city to throw hay in a cesspool. (Well now I can't ride my bike in the pool on my birthday, and now the activities have to be cancelled too. It just isn't fair!)

14. It is illegal to own a green or smelly animal hide. (Better tell those starlets in not, I repeat, do NOT wear a green mink!)

15. Bowling on the sidewalk is illegal. (There goes my backup plan for the birthday party activities. No throwing hay in a cesspool and now THIS!)

16. Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine. (Who will be left to fine the person who does this? So...never mind...go ahead.)

Dana Point:
17. One may not use one’s own restroom if the window is open. (Well, so much for fresh air when it is needed the most. Must be a noise pollution law?)

18. It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (You can't bowl on the street, and you can't wash your car! But if you want to get the permit to throw hay in the cesspool, as long as the cesspool is in the street, sounds like its a GO.)

El Monte:
19. Waitresses are not allowed to consume drinks bought by her customers. (Well now else are you supposed to get free doubles and a happy waitress? Now they are all going to be pissy.)

20. Persons may not sleep on a road. (Because someone may break the law and wash their car there and you may drown? Oh, wait a minute, maybe its because so many people are illegally bowling there. Yeah. That's it. No wait, it is because if you set your car under 60 miles per hour, it may be legal for the car to be driven without a driver...yeah. That's it.)

21. Men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women. (Wow, there will be a lot less babies born in California, then. Is it okay for females to have the moustaches? Whew. Then, being postmenopasual: I am still okay.)

22. Permanent markers may not be sold in the city limits. (They are probably being purchased by females so they can draw mustaches on all their ugly dates. Confused about this comment? Read #21 again.)

23. It is illegal to sell gasoline to a drunken person. (How about it being illegal to sell booze to a drunken person. Lets not forget THAT possibility, shall we? Oh yeah. Also, how about it making illegal for them to DRIVE. I mean, their car may still have a full tank yet, with lots of mileage in it to kill people.)

24. Elementary schools may not host poker tournaments. (First no dogs in school and now THIS? How else are they supposed to learn math????)

25. Getting drunk on a playground is against the law. (It is okay as long as you don't sell gas to any body else while there. Besides, how else are the teachers supposed to make it through their day?)

26. One may not take his dog on an elevator with him. (What if it is a seeing eye dog? Oh, I get it. THAT is why the elevator numbers are always written in braille.)

27. A person must be 18 years old to buy a wax container. (I've got nothin'? Maybe they don't want anyone younger than 18 to suffer a bikini wax due to the torture involved?)

28. It is illegal to jump into a passing car. (Must be legal to jump OUT of a passing car then? Maybe it has to do with that law about a driverless car not being able to go over 60 mph?)

29. Cars may not be driven in reverse. (Wow. A lot of people are driving in circles in California, then. That explains the freeway congestion!)

Hermosa Beach:
30. Public restrooms must be supplied with toilet paper. (Okay, I totally agree with this one. Go California!!)

31. No person may show his or her buttocks on a playground. (Well, I don't see why not...because of the toilet paper supply requirement, they will obviously be clean. Oh, I get is because the teachers can't have alcohol on the playgrounds).

32. It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.
(That would be baaaaad. (Sorry, I just couldn't help myself!))

Indian Wells:
33. It is illegal for a trumpet player to play his instrument with the intention of luring someone to a store. (So the Pied Piper is still okay? Because that is a flute, right?)

34. Drinking intoxicating cement is prohibited. (I thought that Screwdriver was filling! Maybe they thought that is what gave them the hard abs?)

35. Fortelling the future for donations is illegal. ( I predict that there are no donations involved...they outright CHARGE people, donations involved.)

36. It is illegal to shoot “silly string” at parade participants. (I refuse to go to the Rose Parade this year then. They are taking all the fun out of it).

37. It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. (Too much cock a doodle doo going on in California, I guess. Going to be really hard to fertilize all the hen's eggs there!)

Long Beach:
38. Cars are the only item allowed in a garage. (Boy, I am so glad I don't live in Long Beach. I don't think most of us can fit our CAR into the garage!)

39. It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course. (It would be impossible for me to play, then!)

Los Angeles:
40.It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent. (Well , obviously the wife beaters are unaware of this. The next time he starts up, I hope they quote this little jewel to him. I am sure he will cease.)

41. You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time. (The Octomom is in bigggggg trouble. So is Kate.)

42. You may not hunt moths under a street light. (Again: they keep ruining my birthday activity plans!)

43. It is illegal to cry on the witness stand. (Yes. Forget that they murdered your entire family, burned down your house and violated your Grandma. Stiff upper lip!)

44. Toads may not be licked. (Shit! Just kiss them to find your licking, do you hear me?)

45. It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. (We already knew this from the other one way up above. Gheesh. They seem up tight about animal copulation. Didn't they read the Bible where is says: Go forth and mulitiply??)

46. Zoot suits are prohibited. (Does the Godfather know this? So much for my costume party.)

47. All persons wishing to keep a rhinoceros as a pet must obtain a $100 license first. (Silly, you didn't know this? And don't be throwing their dirty hay in the cesspool either! I think you can wash him on the street, though...unlike your car).

48. Roosters may not crow in the city limits. (What is it and California and roosters? Its rooster discrimination, I tell you! Besides, has anyone TOLD the roosters about this law?)

Pacific Grove:
49. It is illegal to molest butterflies. (Oh Boy. If a guy has small enough "equipment", I say...go for it!)

Palm Springs:
50. It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.
(Shriners: remember this when you come to the next convention in Palm Springs!)

51. It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss. (Did Monica Lewinski know this? Never mind...that was Washington D.C.! Besides she wasn't his secretary...just an intern!)
(Did anyone else notice that the law assumes the boss is a MAN? Humph.)

52. It is illegal to fish from an overpass in the city. (You will undoubtedly run out of lures and fishing line anyway.. I mean the way they speed? Look Harry, I hooked that Corvette...ooooh.....woops!)

53. No person may carry a fish into a bar. (Okay. That's it. rooster and fish discrimination is going on in our country. Right in California! Something has to be done about this, people!)

54. Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house. (With a name like Prunedale, they are going to not only enforce the toilet paper thing, but they better revoke this one. We need Prunedale to make sure they allow more bathtubs for cleaner bottoms!)

55. One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o’clock. (Isn't that lunch time?
So much for carryout at McDonalds!)

San Diego:
56. It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar. (Well, they may not respect roosters, butterflies and fish in California, but at least they respect rabbits!)

57. The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250. (Go California. I am WITH them on this one. The lazy bastards should remove them by then! If I have to freeze my ass up north to take them down by then, then THEY should be made to do so too!)

San Francisco:
58. Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash. (Right beside the camels, evidently).

59. It is illegal to wipe one’s car with used underwear. (How about in Prunesdale? Oh, I get it. That would be dirty underwear, due to the no-2-bathtubs-in-any-house rule). (Besides, you can't get much cleaning mileage out of a thong).

60. Persons classified as “ugly” may not walk down any street. (I see less and less people strolling the streets these days, how about you?)

61. It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner. (Shit.)
( Exactly!)

62. Giving or receiving oral sex is prohibited. (Hooo Boy. Does anyone know this? Especially in San Francisco? And, who wants to start enforcing THIS one!?)

63. Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. (But evidently, not roosters! Bird discrimination, bird discrimination!!!)

64. Ice cream men must obtain a license before selling any ice cream from their car. (Come here, pretty lady. I've got something for you.......)

65. Males may not dress as a female unless a special permit is obtained from the sheriff. (Cross dressers beware!!!! Again, in California...this law would be unenforeable, folks! Besides, wasn't Tootsie filmed there?)

Whew! That was the most laws in my series of dumb states thus far!
I am going alphabetically, so if your state is after California, be prepared. Your state will be discussed soon......


Jenn Jilks said...

You really ought to read my post about an ill-fitting thong"! There ought to be a law!!!

Love your blog.

Anonymous said...

OK, I've had a good laugh, but the tears are still flowing! When they stop I will go back and read previous state law posts, but probably not today.
I only found your blog a week ago and already have cried buckets of tears, but it will take a long time to get back to where you started!

DJan said...

Good Lord! Where do you get these anyway? They are some pretty funny (and sometimes sad) laws. I am curious if some of them (like the nuclear device thing) are just made up???

grannyann said...

Oh shucks, can't ride my bike in the pool and can't walk down the street. Guess I won't go to California again anytime soon.

J.J. in L.A. said...

>3. Bathhouses are against the law.

Tell San Francisco that. ; )

7. Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.

You have no idea how many peacocks there are in Arcadia! Dozens! This law makes sense to keep a bloodbath from happening. lol!

Ratty said...

I know for a fact that several of these laws have been broken recently. I'll bet the governor personally broke a few. I wonder if he understands the rules of number 65 completely.

Joanna Jenkins said...

I'm with you on #21. "Men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women." What a relief it is to know THAT!

VERY funny-- Great idea and great post! Who knew my home state was even more screwed up than we thought !!!!

Sue said...

Another hilarious look at how government in action. Some of these are sooooo stupid, I can't believe they waste time on this!

Star said...

These are just hilarious! It is amazing how we have all come to be so "jobsworth". In England that means that the officials are constantly saying: "no sir/madam, it's more than my job's worth to do that, or that or whatever it is!"
thanks for telling us, I'll avoid these States, I think for fear of falling foul of all these rules.
Blessings, Star

Judy said...

All the animal ones are just hilarious! Where do they come up with such stupid laws? Says something about the lawmakers, too.

Fran Hill said...

I'm so disappointed about the toad-licking prohibition. There go my Sunday afternoon adultery-with-amphibians sessions.

The Retired One said...

Jenn: I've been gone out of town, so I will get to your post in a few days of catch up...I am sure it is hilarious!

Virtual Quilter: Thanks so much! I hope you joined on as a Follower! I love having new readers. Go ahead and read all the old posts..I would love that. I'll stand here and wait. ha

DJan: The website where I grabbed these from says they are REAL laws...I am sure a lot of them were challenged sometime in court and voted as obsolete or unenforceable, but the site sometimes actually cites the number of the statutes they come from in those states. Some were probably passed WAYYYYY back in history and just never removed from the books. I think some are so funny and so bizarre to have ever been written in the first place!

Grannyann: Yes, it is sad. ha

JJ: I knew you'd like this one...I thought of you as soon as I saw that the next state to post alphabetically was going to be California!

Ratty: I wonder if he understands ANYTHING completely. ha

Joanna: You are from California? You must have got a kick out of these then! I have a nephew living in Sacramento.

Sue: I am sure a lot of these laws were written when the states were first made states and they were never removed off the books (and aren't enforced anymore) but it is still funny to read about them!

Star: Don't be afraid to come to the states. Some of these silly laws were passed years ago when horse and buggy days were still happening....and now they are no longer known or enforced.

Judy: The lawmakers that made some of these ancient laws are probably dead...! ha Most police now are probably unaware of some of these weird, ancient laws that were passed before their time.

Fran: Now I know why you you have warts! ha Stop licking those toads, woman!

SquirrelQueen said...

Having lived in Eureka CA for a year I do understand the need for the "no sleeping on the road" law.

Doesn't it make you wonder what happened to get these these laws on the books? Must have been some interesting events.

Loree said...

Oh that was just too hilarious for words.

The Retired One said...

SquirrelQueen: Yes, I understand that one too. Unless you were suicidal. I, too wondered what possessed people to pass some of those other laws back in the day.

Loree: Glad they made you laugh. I do them every few weeks, so stay tuned for the next state laws coming up.

Brian Miller said...

oh this is too rich. rotflol! unless it is a whale...i really need to move to cali just to experience this wonderulness. maybe they should post the restrictions for animals, may cut back on the exploding population grownth, sure they would find a forest of bushes though. too much. lol.

Shellmo said...

LOL - they are really concerned about "SEX" laws over there! If I was an animal, I would move - ha,ha!!!

Sara said...

I am still wiping tears from my face, that was so funny!! I guess I won't be sheep herding in California, anytime soon, and if I go to Caifornia, I will have to tell my car that it can't take trips by itself and I guess wouldnt bring my elephant, he doesnt like to be on a leash;)
Have a great day!!!

The Retired One said...

Brian: Only in California, right? ha

Shellmo: Notice there wasn't any laws mentioned about not having sex WITH animals??? Hmmmm....

Sara: Yes. Let's not hear about Cole's mama being arrested for an unleashed elephant. None of that!!

Kristin said...

LOL - what a fantastic list! I have heard something about licking frogs/toads. Apparently it's supposed to get you high? Just gross, who would want to do that!

The Retired One said...

Kristin: Licking frogs to get high is like announcing your stupidity. ha

lotusleaf said...

I read this just now and laughed and laughed at the laws and your witty comments. The laws about the elephants and camels would not work here in India, nor the ones about the roosters!

The Retired One said...

Lotusleaf: Aren't some of these laws bizarre? You should give us some weird laws from India, now THAT would be interesting too! :-P

Aria said...

See! I missed out on my millions during my 17 years in Cali, I could have sued for lack of sunshine every rainy season! Damn it!
And hey, #4 isn't stupid... you should have to get out of the car to shoot a mountain lion that has wandered into the middle of your sunny suburban cul-de-sac, but it should be perfectly fine to hunt whales from the Bay Bridge... for goodness sake, you're stuck in traffic for over an hour on just that bridge during rush hour, better to kill a whale than another driver.
So, just wondering, if I came back as a housecoat wearing ghost and drove down I-80 at the speed limit of 65 mph, would I get a ticket?
No cowboy boots without cows was to cut down on the 'posers, but the law was a little early so they didn't forsee all the extremely rich white kids dressing as poor black rappers.
Chico is the most boring city in Cali. I know, I've been there, so all of these laws don't surprise me in the slightest. Chico is so boring, it makes East Bernard Texas seem like the after show hotel-room party for a rock band.
#17...that's why all the neighbors are so friendly... it's totally legal if it's not YOUR bathroom.
#20 Yeah, they had to institute that law when they erected the first street light upon the completion of paving all of the roads... in 2007.
#29 FINALLY! An explanation for why they removed the 3-point, or K Turn from the driving test, as well as parallel parking. Now I get it. Thank you.
#32. Now you know why they shoot so many movies in New Mexico and Toronto... betcha there aren't any limits on the amount of sheep that can be driven down the road in those places... and it's also how they got clearance to shoot the movie Australia on location.
#35 you can totally charge for it, but not if you're going to donate the money to any charity.
See... now you know why when I got here to Texas the chickens and crowing roosters drove me insane... God, I miss Cali.
#55 McD's is fine... unless you put it in a Wonder Woman lunchbox to transport it.

BTW... I contacted a lawyer before giving any of my helpful insights to these answers.

The Retired One said...

Aria: Funny woman! Wow, you had long comments....I see this hit your funny bone and you made me laugh, too!

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I retired in June 2008 and started my blog in November 2008. I worked at several jobs as a Registered Nurse prior to retirement. I LOVE being retired! Blogging has offered me a whole new venue to start writing again and to share new hobbies such as gardening, birdwatching and sharing my nature photography. If you like my blog, PLEASE click on "follow this blog". Having a lot of followers reading my blog gives me incentive to continue to do photography and to continue to write. I also LOVE comments, so I encourage you to leave me a comment after you read my posts. Thanks everyone, for taking the time to read me!!

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