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Friday, February 6, 2009

I Used to Be a Spooner


Once, out of plain boredom, I took a survey at my Rotary Club.

Being rural, I was the only woman in a "good old boys" Rotary Club in town.

I loved it.

They didn't know what to do with me.

During the meetings, they would often say: 'Bring your wives to the outing on Sunday', and I would raise my hand immediately. The speaker would call on me, and I would bat my eyelashes and say: "Gee, I don't have a wife. Can my husband attend?"

Believe me, after about ten times of them doing that, they didn't forget anymore that they now had one woman in the club.

But I won them over. Every single one of them.

And now? They are some of the best guy friends I have ever had.

Anyway, I digress.....

So, we would all eat together and of course do small talk until the speaker came up to speak. I took these golden moments to take surveys. Why not probe the male minds that I had so nicely at my disposal? Although they would laugh at me, I think they kind of liked it after a while and when I missed a meeting, one of them told me it was "dull" without me there.

So, anyway--one Tuesday night (we met every Tuesday night at a local Italian restaurant), I turn to the guy on my right and say: "Are you a Spooner?"

Being hard of hearing (the average age of the members in the group when I first joined was about 80. They spent half the time at the meetings taking each other's pulses to make sure they were still alive), the guy says: "WHAT did you say?"

So, this time, I practically yell: "ARE YOU A SPOONER?"

He spits out his pasta laughing, and says: "You are a pistol. Yes you are. What the hell is a Spooner?"

By now, the whole club is quiet, gumming their pasta and listening.

So, I educate them all.

"You know!" I say. "It's when you go to bed with your significant other and you both lay on your side in a spoon position, up next to each other." Then, when one of you wants to turn to the other side, you both turn over as a unit, like two spoons together in a drawer, facing the same way."
"I love being a Spooner!" I unabashedly admit.



The whole club guffaw's and chuckles.

But I persist.

"C'Mon...let's have a show of hands...how many of you guys are Spooners?"

They blush.

Then, believe it or not, two old guys timidly raise their hands.

The rest of them immediatly begin to razz the hand-raisers to death.

Some say some smart-ass remarks, like: "If I still slept with my old lady, I wouldn't be spooning, heh-heh". and "Shit, she kicked me out long ago for snoring" and "What, you still sleep with your wife", etc.
So, now, this got me curious.

I went to work the next day and took another survey. (A younger crowd, this time) (And yes, they were used to my frequent surveys in the cafeteria, too. We used to have one helluva great time at lunch!) (Hey, curious minds want to know!)

It turns out, I was in the minority. Even with the women I surveyed.

To my amazement, most of them did not spoon.

I felt kinda smug.

But then?

Hot flashes became my uninvited new best "friend".

Alas! I can hardly ever spoon now without breaking out in a sweat that would re-flood New Orleans.

But we still try.
Since the old Rotary club survey, I have spent time reflecting, learning and observing other sleeping persona's besides Spooners. (Yes, my mind is constantly working........)
The least I can do is share my research with you.

I KNOW (if you aren't a Spooner) you are one (or more) of the kinds of sleepers listed below:

1. The Corkskrew:
This sleeper has turned and turned and turned over and over in the bed in a fit of sleeplessness, thus causing the covers to twine around them like corkskrew. If you are the unfortunate partner of a Corkskrew sleeper, the only thing to do is to quietly slip out of your side of the bed, go around to the Corkscrew's side and take both hands and...gripping the sheet with both hands (in one fast whipping motion), snap the sheet towards you. This will unfold your partner in one fluid motion loose from the sheets. You then (quickly!) must run back to the side of your bed and take back the sheets you just unwrapped the Corkskrew from and reclaim them for yourself. If you are not quick enough to get back to your side of the bed, the Corkskrew will have already wound themselves back up into their Corkskrew cocoon...and well, you're screwed.

2. The Muffler (also known as The Turtle):
This sleeper has pulled all the sheets on the bed up from the bottom and wrapped them over their neck and head like a scarf. Nothing is showing on their head except maybe a few hairs. You aren't even sure they are there. If you talk to them, you get a muffled one-syllable word out of them to assure you they are breathing under the covers over their neck and head. Meanwhile, your feet are like ice-cubes and you are clinging to the only patch of covers left that the Muffler hasn't covered their head with. Sometimes, the Muffler will also put a pillow (in addition to the covers) on top of their head, as well. The only advantage to being the sleep partner of a Muffler is that if they fart, you may never know.

3. The Stapler:
Often, a Spooner becomes a Stapler, once they start getting hot flashes. They start the night out as a Spooner, but quickly move away from their partner with a large sucking sound (body is wet and stuck to their partners). In order to cool off from said hot flash, the Spooner takes half of the covers and tucks them between their legs (thus "stapling" the covers there) and lets the rest of their ass and body parts out in the air to help evaporate the mass wetness that is on their skin. Watch out when the Stapler rolls over, because they are sleeping. Having permanently stapled the covers between their legs, they take them with them when they flip over.
4. The Sprawler:
This is a sleeper that is not used to (or doesn't want to adapt to) sleeping with anyone else. When they go to bed, they stretch their bodies into the widest X they can on the mattress, thus giving no room for even a Spooner to try and fit in the same bed. If nudged over, they groan and will gather their limbs together just long enough for you to fall asleep. At that time, the Sprawler springs open like an ironing board again, knocking you simultanously on your head and leg. You can always recognize a Stapler's sleep partner by the large bruises on their bodies and their long fingernails (that they grew to grip on to the minute space on their side of the bed.)

5. The Furnace:
This is a sleeper that complains about being too hot from the moment he/she hits the bed. They throw all the covers off and climb on top of them, naked, and then immediately fall asleep, mid-sentence. If you are a Furnace's partner in bed, you then have to try tugging the covers from under their sleeping-in-a-coma body to gather enough of a swatch to cover your ass, which is now ice cold from having none of the covers. Most of the time the Furnace's sleep partner will be dressed similar to an Eskimo when going to bed, complete with kneesox, just so his/her body temparature stays above a hypothermic state.

6. The Ice Cube:
This is a sleeper that complains about being too cold from the moment he/she hits the bed. They immediately clam on to you (no matter what position you are in) with their ice cold feet, their ice cold legs, and their ice cold butt with a death grip that no man has ever broken. If they are super cold, they usually stick their ice cold nose into your arm pit 'just until it warms up". (Obviously one of the bravest sleepers). It works out nice if the Ice Cube and the Furnace are paired up, but it rarely happens. Scratch that, it has never happened in this universe.

7. The Hugger:
This sleeper brings several extra pillows in bed with them, insisting that they need to "hang on to something" in order to sleep. They lay in several positions and even though dead asleep will miraculously transport their pillows in place when they roll over into the various positions. If you ever want to get frisky with a Hugger in the middle of the night, well....just forget it. You will never find them.

8. The Recliner:
This sleeper insists that they need about 4 stiff pillows at their head so they can practically sit up all night in a sitting postion. This is a handy partner to have if you want to pluck their man-brows when they are sleeping or if you want to poison them by placing a pill in their mouth. They won't wake up and you will both be happy. If the Recliner has the unfortunate luck to die in their sleep, their sleep partner will have no choice but to inform the funeral parlor that they have to design a V-shaped coffin, because there is no way in Hell that you are going to unfold the Recliner's rigormortis at that point.

9. The Slider:
This sleeper starts out at the top of the bed when you go to bed with them. But, by morning, you'll find them somewhere at your knee level under the covers. No one knows how or why it happens. But if you keep one eye open as they fall asleep, you will see them using their monkey toes to grasp the end of the mattress and inch themselves towards the bottom in spastic motions. They make a good partner for the Recliner because that way they both have ample sides of the bed (on opposite ends).

10. The Thrasher:
Unlike the above-mentioned Corkscrew, the Thrasher indiscriminately turns round and round in the bed, waving arms in an uncoordinated manner. Frequently, the Thrasher sleeps through these gymnastics, even though they use frequent sighs and moans during their thrashing. It is easy to recognize a Thrasher's sleep partner, because they have dark circles under their eyes from lack of sleep, and have an eye tic because they are used to keeping one eye open for threatening body movements from the Thrasher. Being used to the Thrasher's unpredictable body parts swinging at them, these sleep partners often immediately cower down and assume their "safety position" if you come anywhere near them during daylight.

11. The Boxer:
This sleeper also uses multiple pillows to bed down with, however are much more dramatic than the Hugger. Several times during the night, the Boxer wildly punches, poofs and rolls his/her pillows into their "perfect" positions, whilst loudly sighing or moaning for sympathy. If you are a Boxer's sleep partner, do NOT (I repeat, DO NOT) reveal that you are awake during their pillow-arranging ritual. This only provides sympathy to the Boxer for their awakeness, and the drama will multiply ten-fold, now that they have a captive middle-of-the-night audience.

12. The Donut:
Due to some unknown pregnancy trauma while they were in their mother's womb, the only way this sleeper can sleep is by obtaining and maintaining a tight fetal position in bed. Luckily, they are then born with velcro nipples and hairy knees. These malformations (since birth) helps them lock into a fetal shape (knees pressed to chest, forming a perfect round donut in bed). This takes up a lot of bed space. But, like a beachball, if the Donut's sleep partner just slightly nudges them, they gently roll over to their other side, never waking during the rollover. The best thing about being a Donut's sleep partner is that if bored, the sleep partner can play volleyball with the Donut for something to pass the time (until the sleep partner can finally sleep). The Donut will never find out. However, Donuts have been known to complain of back pain from the contortion of being a donut all night long. The only cure is to shave their knees or to painfully remove their nipple velcro, which in the end is really more painful then their occasional back pain.

I just thought you'd want to know about these kinds of sleepers, in case you want to do a survey or two of your own at work some day.

According to my survey, a lot of couples just don't sleep together at all for the entire night.

Now, what fun is that????

18 comments:

GoingLikeSixty.com said...

Excellent! You have really got this figured out. I love the Stapler.

I'm a hoser (I use a CPAP.) We used to be avid spooners - but the first night with my CPAP blowing on her neck killed that. Tried spooning without, but when I fall asleep and start snoring, that ends quickly with a poke and command.

This allows me to be a turtle because I'm getting my air supply supplied by a rubber hose up my nose.

So now we sleep with a Shih-Tzu between us - and sometimes he gets hot under the collar when the fair breeze blows his way.

Ratty said...

I didn't know there could be so many types of sleepers. I think I do some of several of those.

VaBookworm said...

I fall somewhere in between Spooner, Ice Cube, and Hugger.

I sleep with a body pillow on each side of me, so whichever side I'm laying on, I have a body pillow to latch on to.

And I have no circulation (my cold digits are matched only by my grandmother, who is on blood thinners) so I'm freezing all the time. Literally, ALL THE TIME. In the summertime I walk around the house in sweats, wooly socks, and blankets.

I used to be a spooner... when I had someone to spoon with... now I just have my body pillows... One of the pitfalls to singleness!

Hey All, said...

well we are definately spooners!

pehpot said...

Oh it so hard to figure out.. I am definitely not The Corkskrew or The Muffler.. I tell you, I can sleep all day not messing up the bedsheet.. though I used to be The Sprawler.. now with three kids.. I sleep on my feet LOL

Insanity Kim said...

I am the muffled, frozen, corkscrew.

Hubby is a version of an overheated, thrasher boxer-sprawler, and he often likes to do impressions in his sleep, like of electric saws, lawn mowers...

and oh yeah...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAA! This is HYSTERICAL!!!

The Retired One said...

GoingLikeCrazy: I can see how your C-PAP could put a little irritant into spooning. But it is probably a lot better than thunderous snoring followed by a 2 minute lapse in your breathing, followed by a snort to wake up your entire city. But now, you can be a Hugger with the Shih-Tzu! I am sure the dog loves it!

Ratty: I see, you are a multi-talented Sleeper!!

VaBookworm: You have multi-personality Sleeper disease. How those pillows could talk!

HeyAll: Yay! Another fellow Spooner. We are a rare breed!

Pehpot: Maybe I should have added another category called: The Stiff: this sleeper needs CSI to check for body evidence that they have been between the sheets at all. Who needs a maid when you don't mess the bed covers up? I agree, with having kids, you have to take those standing-up sleep moments whenever you can! Its just embarrassing when you keep falling asleep on your grocery cart, Missy. Next time I see you doing it in the store, I will gently bump your cart to wake you up and keep your from blocking my aisle!

Wheels for christina said...

I so love this!!!! We are spooners and my hubby loves his pillows also from time to time. The naked sleeper is good also. My hubby is always sleeping naked I usually do to but with this change of life (menopause) I am usually cold. So I have been fully clothed for bed. He make the remark the one night well what's with the turtleneck are you a nun? Ha! HA! I am just cold.

The Retired One said...

Wheels for christina: So you two are a multi-personality sleepers couple! I guess I have never resorted to wearing a turtleneck to bed! Now, with the hot flashes, I have given all my TN's to Goodwill. Otherwise, they'd have the first documented case of a human implode where they only find ashes inside clothing.

Loree said...

Hilarious. A very good read.

sprng said...

Good sense of humor and good writing. I like that and I enjoy your blog. Funny!

The Retired One said...

Loree and Sprng: Thanks you two. Feel free to click "follow this blog" in my blog's upper left hand corner and join the group reading my blog on a regular basis. I love to get new followers...all my followers give me the incentive to keep writing!!!

Hippomandak said...

Ooh! I'm definately the Furnace and hubby is a Corkscrew+The Ice Cube+Hugger. Rare? My 2 girls is Slider. There was once the eldest slept on the floor and 1 girl slept under the bed.

The Retired One said...

Hippomandak: Wow, a family of different sleepers! Are you sure you aren't the lady that just had the octeplets and have 14 kids now? At least daughter that slept under the bed helped you with no dust bunnies under there. Maybe you can rent her out to others? Who needs a Swifter when you have an under-the-bed sleeper?

Kearsie said...

I thought an awful lot about this last night in bed. I kept wondering what kind of sleeper I was. It occurred to me I am not on your list. I am a "chair profile" sleeper. I sleep on my side with my top leg bent up as high as it can get. My aim is my chin, but the belly fat and boobies keep my leg at bay.

Come to think of it, I'm more of a "Lazy Boy Recliner Chair Profile".

Anyways, I've also found this proves effective in keeping The Hubs at bay, too, because the heat that generates him is like the fire from a thousand suns. And I like my covers. So he must be at least 2 feet away.

The Hubs is also a "Stick you in your heel with my big toenail" sleeper. He must, must do this at least once a night, or else the sleep doesn't come.

He's also a "Freak out my wife with creepy nonsensical other language/laughter talker in my sleep". I've been known to pray in the middle of the night.

The Retired One said...

Kearsie: Not on my list? Well, you closet sleeper, you! I think I will call you The Can Opener with that one leg up thing. I know about those toenail sabers. My husband does it too. When I tell him its time to trim his toenail, he says: "I just did them. I can't cut them too short or I get ingrown toenails." Yeah, right. I tend to laugh or cry out in my sleep now and then, too. As long as he doesn't puke green and his head doesn't swivel around like in the Exorcist, I say, let him giggle in the middle of the night. Takes away his stress and you can blackmail him by making up things he "supposedly" (*wink, wink*) said to you in his sleep the next morning.

Aria said...

OMG, hubby is a total muffler... I call it his cocoon... the only way I got to have covers was to give him HIS covers and have MY covers... I don't really fall firmly into any category. I've been a thrasher, a hugger, a stapler, a furnace and an ice cube... sometimes all in one night.

The Retired One said...

Aria: A male Muffler is rare! His and her covers are a good idea! You are like me, a "multipersonality" sleeper! People are amazing creatures and perfect blog material! ha

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I retired in June 2008 and started my blog in November 2008. I worked at several jobs as a Registered Nurse prior to retirement. I LOVE being retired! Blogging has offered me a whole new venue to start writing again and to share new hobbies such as gardening, birdwatching and sharing my nature photography. If you like my blog, PLEASE click on "follow this blog". Having a lot of followers reading my blog gives me incentive to continue to do photography and to continue to write. I also LOVE comments, so I encourage you to leave me a comment after you read my posts. Thanks everyone, for taking the time to read me!!

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