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Tuesday, November 24, 2009

More Dumb State Laws: Florida

Yes, it is that time again!

Time for some more DUMB STATE LAWS, along with MY COMMENTS in bold italics.

Since I am going in alphabetical order, the next state up: FLORIDA!!!:

Are you ready????? Ok.
Here goes......

1. Pregnant pigs to not be confined in cages. So, in Florida, when you are careful. You may just hit a wandering pregnant pig. You may not be able to tell if she is pregnant, or just don't ask. It is rude.

2. Unmarried couples may not commit “lewd acts” and live together in the same residence.
Ummm....I hate to tell the police of the great state of Florida, but I think...I mean...just MAYBE (I could be wrong), but just maybe this may be happening right in their districts.

3. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner. I would be so busted if I got my hair done in Florida. I would fall asleep for sure. But really, when is the last time you sat under a hairdryer at a salon? Don't most of them use blow dryers now? And they are going to fine the salon owner if you fall asleep under one of their hair dryers??? So what are they going to do? Poke you with a long stick if they see your eyelids flutter? What harm would this be?

4. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing. Lets see about the details of this one, shall we?
Can MARRIED women parachute? Even on Sundays? Or is it just the unmarried ones that can't?
Or is the day of the week that is against the law? Maybe there is a limit against that much praying on a Sunday? Because believe me, if I was parachuting on a Sunday (married or unmarried) (on Sunday or any other day) there would be PLENTY of praying going on!

5. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle. Oh yeah. That's fair. I mean, there is a LOT of elephant poop that would have to be taken care of. And it is hard to find a parking spot for your elephant after all. I wonder if you rode a giraffe and tied it to the parking meter, if this law is also the same? Or what about a zebra? Is the law that black and white?

6. It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. So no karaoke bars on the beach in Florida? No beach blanket bingo movies? Maybe its okay if you ditch the swimsuit and sing nude?

7. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. Dang. So much for the crossdresser's prom that was going to take place in Miami. And they already shaved off their chest hairs and everything! And, is it legal for them to sing in a public place in their bikinis?

8. Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. Ummmm..not to mention: PAINFUL!!?? Oh, NOW I know... THAT is where the name Pokemon came from!
By the way, doesn't this lead to the question---why did they need to make this law in the first place? This law is pointless.

9. You may not fart in a public place after 6 P. I guess I won't be visiting public places in Florida before 6pm, because it is legal to do then. At least I won't be going out with out a clothespin for my nose and a bottle of Glade. Again...doesn't it make you wonder why they needed to make this a law in Florida?
Honest honey, it is the swamp gas you wasn't ME!

10. It is considered an offense to shower naked. Wow. This is going to cause some problems. Well, at least you can wash your clothes and yourself at the same time and be efficient. (They must mean on the beaches where those little outdoor showers are...but it doesn't specifically say that, does it?) And since the other law (above) said it is illegal to sing out loud while wearing a swimsuit and you normally sing in the shower, this poses a dilemma, now doesn't it!?

11. Oral sex is illegal. Oh, there is going to be some really full jails in Florida, that's all I am going to say about that.....

12. You may not kiss your wife’s breasts. I guess you better aim those lips at some other woman then. Or, tell those oral sex offenders to move over in that jail cell.

In Cape Coral:
13. It is against the city ordinance to hang your clothes outside on a clothesline. So much for that fresh air smell on your sheets and towels. Nope. Not in Cape Coral. No flapping underwear in the breeze for them.
Oh wait. I forgot about the farting thing going on before 6pm. Now I get it. It would be too stinky to hang your clothes out on the line because of that hazard. Now I get it...

14. It it illegal to park a pick-up truck in your driveway or in front of your house on the street. They don't want no rednecks in them there parts.

In Daytona Beach:
15. Owning a flower pot with water in it that isn’t capable of draining is considered a public nuisance. I want the job of the flower-pot-checking-for-drainholes police. Please??? I'd come out of retirement for that job.

In Destin:
16.If you like to love to ride your bicycle in Destin, don’t lean it up against a tree in a cemetery.
Daisy, daisy, give me your answer do. I'm half crazy, all for the death of you.....

17. If you notice an ice-cream man attempting to sell his cold concoctions in a cemetery, call the police immediately, for that is illegal. And if you order any flavors, don't ask for "Death by chocolate". That would just be inappropriate.

In Key West:
18. Chickens are considered a ‘protected species’. Guess I am not going to look for any KFC's in Florida during our next trip then.

In Miami Beach:
19. No one may bring a pig with them to the beach. How about if they are just a little bit ugly instead? And they promise that they are on a diet?

In Palm Bay:
20. Persons may not tow a sled behind their bicycles. As far as I know, there is no snow in Florida. So that begs the question...why on earth did they EVER need this law?
If people were using sleds, maybe that is why the highways in Florida are in such rough shape?!

In Pensacola:
21. Citizens may not be caught downtown without at least 10 dollars on their person. Never mind...instead of the checking-the-flower-pots-for-drainage police job, I want THIS one. I want to stop everybody on the street and see if they have at least ten dollars on them. And if they don't ....I get to arrest them!

22. A women can be fined (only after death), for being electrocuted in a bath-tub because of using self-beautification utensils. Wait a minute. Read that again. Go ahead. I'll wait right here.
Alrighty then. Lets go fine a dead electrocuted woman, now...shall we? But don't bicycle down to the cemetary to do it, and while you are there, for God's sake, don't order an ice cream cone from that vendor there.

In Satellite Beach:
23. Persons may not appear in public clothed in liquid latex. Especially not in green. It positively clashes with your blue eyes. I hear there is a sale at Walmart for liquid latex clothes. Oh, and don't light up any matches near them. I hear they are flammable.

In Tampa:
24. Women may not expose their breasts while performing “topless dancing”.
Wait a minute. Read that one again.
Go ahead.
I'll wait (again!).
I want to meet the person who wrote this law.
I want to see who they PAID to write this law.
And then?
I want to see how the topless dancers dance topless legally.

15. Lap dances must be given at least six feet away from a patron.
Yep. I am SURE the person who wrote the topless dancing law also wrote this one.
Here, honey....I am going to give you a lap dance. Let me climb on this 6 foot stool and you sit under it, okay? Sexy, isn't it??
I know, that as a law-abiding citizen, you want to run out and sell everything you own and move to Florida after hearing all of these essential laws.
Me too.
But for now?
I think I will just visit there a few times a year and then head home.
But it is a good thing I read them before I leave on vacation. Now that I know, I will not be doing any topless dancing, parachuting on Sunday, giving any lap dances, having sex with porcupines, parking my elephant without filling the parking meter, or falling asleep under the hair dryer while there. The rest of the laws? I'm not so sure.....
I better bring all my credit cards (in addition to the $10.00 in my pockets) to pay the fines...


VABookworm87 said...

Man... alphabetical order... It'll be a while 'til you reach Virginia lol

I doubt someone sits around and just has these random ideas for laws... they must stem from some occurrence which made them feel the need to make a point about it. Such as the sex with a porcupine one... I suppose they're making a point because some moron actually tried it. Probably ended up in the hospital and cops were called in because of the weirdness of the situation. And, because being a moron is a communicable disease, they had to make the law to stop all the other morons who were collectively thinking, "Ha! What an awesome idea!"

As for all of the sex laws, I would totally criticize Florida for being founded and ran by prudes... unfortunately I live in VA, and therefore it would be a bit hypocritical lol

Sandy aka Doris the Great said...

Hilarious! Death by Chocolate just happens to be a favorite of mine; so I guess I know where I'm not going!

DJan said...

OMG! I actually broke the law in Florida and didn't know it (see #4). I was in Deland, FL parachuting before I got married! But now that I'm married I guess it's okay. Joan, I must say that just before you posted this, I was enviously looking at your followers, since I've been losing them as you've been gaining them. But then, your blog is funny, witty, sometimes hilarious, and oh yes let's not forget those FABULOUS pictures!!

Eva Gallant said...

OMG! Those are hilarious!!! Aided by your witty rejoiners, or course!

Come check out my naughty giveaway contest!

Brian Miller said...

i lived in Florida for a few years...then i left...and took my elephant with me. lol. ok, so i dont have an elephant...but these are ludicrous. love it!

have a great thanksgiving!

The Retired One said...

Brian: So YOU were the reason for some of these laws. ha (I know the porcupine had nothing to do with you though) ha

Eva: I'll be right there! ha

DJan: I think sometimes people get funny about following blogs. I lose a few and then I gain some...I am always so grateful to those that decide to follow my blog! Your blog is wonderful, I am sure you will continually gain some as you post more and more. I love to live vicariously through you and your hikes.

Sandy: Haha. Don't be biking down to the cemetery either!

VaBookworm: Yup, it will be a while until I get to the V's. Yes, I am sure the laws came about for definite circumstances or reasons. In fact,where I get them from, there are some explanations of how the laws come about. But since I don't chose to be educational and instead do it for comedy purposes, I never do any further research.

The Lucy and Dick Show said...

Did you my blog yesterday? I posted from our Government's web site about 'Outdoor Cards" At least you can decipher Florida laws? I still haven't located the actual cost of an Outdoor card!

grannyann said...

Those were some really good ones. You know there are a lot of elderly ladies (older than me) who use the hair dryers at my beauty shop and some do go to sleep. Shame, shame

The Retired One said...

Lucy and Dick: I will have to stop by your blog tonight..I am behind in reading everyone's blogs for the last three days...and with the holidays coming and my trip to Florida, I'm afraid I will never catch up. ha

Betsy from Tennessee said...

OH how funny, J.... I cannot believe these.... Where do you find such crazy things????? Love 'em!!!!

Be careful while in Florida... I have it on good authority that a porcupine is going to find you (since he told me that he likes you alot)..... SO---don't be a bad girl!!!!! ha ha ha

Hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and trip. We are going hiking for a few days---after eating all of that turkey on Thurs. We'll definitely need the exercise. ha.....


Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

eeps! I can't believe they have a law for 11 and 12!!

The Retired One said...

Roshni: I can't believe a LOT of those laws!! ha

Betsy: I will stay away from all porcupines then. (smiles) However, I HAVE always wanted to get their picture. ha We won't be heading down to Florida until Tuesday probably, so this is a busy time.

Grannyann: Don't be falling asleep under them then...if you do, you better tip the salon owner big time to make up for her fines. ha

Ratty said...

The funniest ones to me are the one about the elephant and the one about the porcupine. Just wondering about the reasons these were made into laws is hilarious. Imagine what was going through their minds at the time.

SquirrelQueen said...

Another great batch of totally useless laws. I can't help but wonder about the incidents that caused such laws to be written, no I really shouldn't go there!

But how do you fine a dead woman who electrocuted her self with self-beautification utensils?

The Retired One said...

SquirrelQueen: Yeah, wasn't that one weird?? Leave it to some politician to write that one!

Ratty: They are all so strange, aren't they?? At least they provide me some comedy!!!!

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I retired in June 2008 and started my blog in November 2008. I worked at several jobs as a Registered Nurse prior to retirement. I LOVE being retired! Blogging has offered me a whole new venue to start writing again and to share new hobbies such as gardening, birdwatching and sharing my nature photography. If you like my blog, PLEASE click on "follow this blog". Having a lot of followers reading my blog gives me incentive to continue to do photography and to continue to write. I also LOVE comments, so I encourage you to leave me a comment after you read my posts. Thanks everyone, for taking the time to read me!!

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