More Dumb State Laws: Florida

Yes, it is that time again!

Time for some more DUMB STATE LAWS, along with MY COMMENTS in bold italics.

Since I am going in alphabetical order, the next state up: FLORIDA!!!:








Are you ready????? Ok.
Here goes......

1. Pregnant pigs to not be confined in cages. So, in Florida, when you are driving..be careful. You may just hit a wandering pregnant pig. You may not be able to tell if she is pregnant, or just fat...so don't ask. It is rude.

2. Unmarried couples may not commit “lewd acts” and live together in the same residence.
Ummm....I hate to tell the police of the great state of Florida, but I think...I mean...just MAYBE (I could be wrong), but just maybe this may be happening right in their districts.

3. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner. I would be so busted if I got my hair done in Florida. I would fall asleep for sure. But really, when is the last time you sat under a hairdryer at a salon? Don't most of them use blow dryers now? And they are going to fine the salon owner if you fall asleep under one of their hair dryers??? So what are they going to do? Poke you with a long stick if they see your eyelids flutter? What harm would this be?

4. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing. Lets see about the details of this one, shall we?
Can MARRIED women parachute? Even on Sundays? Or is it just the unmarried ones that can't?
Or is the day of the week that is against the law? Maybe there is a limit against that much praying on a Sunday? Because believe me, if I was parachuting on a Sunday (married or unmarried) (on Sunday or any other day) there would be PLENTY of praying going on!

5. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle. Oh yeah. That's fair. I mean, there is a LOT of elephant poop that would have to be taken care of. And it is hard to find a parking spot for your elephant after all. I wonder if you rode a giraffe and tied it to the parking meter, if this law is also the same? Or what about a zebra? Is the law that black and white?

6. It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. So no karaoke bars on the beach in Florida? No beach blanket bingo movies? Maybe its okay if you ditch the swimsuit and sing nude?

7. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. Dang. So much for the crossdresser's prom that was going to take place in Miami. And they already shaved off their chest hairs and everything! And, is it legal for them to sing in a public place in their bikinis?

8. Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. Ummmm..not to mention: PAINFUL!!?? Oh, NOW I know... THAT is where the name Pokemon came from!
By the way, doesn't this lead to the question---why did they need to make this law in the first place? This law is pointless.

9. You may not fart in a public place after 6 P. I guess I won't be visiting public places in Florida before 6pm, because it is legal to do then. At least I won't be going out with out a clothespin for my nose and a bottle of Glade. Again...doesn't it make you wonder why they needed to make this a law in Florida?
Honest honey, it is the swamp gas you smell...it wasn't ME!

10. It is considered an offense to shower naked. Wow. This is going to cause some problems. Well, at least you can wash your clothes and yourself at the same time and be efficient. (They must mean on the beaches where those little outdoor showers are...but it doesn't specifically say that, does it?) And since the other law (above) said it is illegal to sing out loud while wearing a swimsuit and you normally sing in the shower, this poses a dilemma, now doesn't it!?

11. Oral sex is illegal. Oh, there is going to be some really full jails in Florida, that's all I am going to say about that.....

12. You may not kiss your wife’s breasts. I guess you better aim those lips at some other woman then. Or, tell those oral sex offenders to move over in that jail cell.

In Cape Coral:
13. It is against the city ordinance to hang your clothes outside on a clothesline. So much for that fresh air smell on your sheets and towels. Nope. Not in Cape Coral. No flapping underwear in the breeze for them.
Oh wait. I forgot about the farting thing going on before 6pm. Now I get it. It would be too stinky to hang your clothes out on the line because of that hazard. Now I get it...

14. It it illegal to park a pick-up truck in your driveway or in front of your house on the street. They don't want no rednecks in them there parts.

In Daytona Beach:
15. Owning a flower pot with water in it that isn’t capable of draining is considered a public nuisance. I want the job of the flower-pot-checking-for-drainholes police. Please??? I'd come out of retirement for that job.

In Destin:
16.If you like to love to ride your bicycle in Destin, don’t lean it up against a tree in a cemetery.
Daisy, daisy, give me your answer do. I'm half crazy, all for the death of you.....


17. If you notice an ice-cream man attempting to sell his cold concoctions in a cemetery, call the police immediately, for that is illegal. And if you order any flavors, don't ask for "Death by chocolate". That would just be inappropriate.

In Key West:
18. Chickens are considered a ‘protected species’. Guess I am not going to look for any KFC's in Florida during our next trip then.

In Miami Beach:
19. No one may bring a pig with them to the beach. How about if they are just a little bit ugly instead? And they promise that they are on a diet?

In Palm Bay:
20. Persons may not tow a sled behind their bicycles. As far as I know, there is no snow in Florida. So that begs the question...why on earth did they EVER need this law?
If people were using sleds, maybe that is why the highways in Florida are in such rough shape?!

In Pensacola:
21. Citizens may not be caught downtown without at least 10 dollars on their person. Never mind...instead of the checking-the-flower-pots-for-drainage police job, I want THIS one. I want to stop everybody on the street and see if they have at least ten dollars on them. And if they don't ....I get to arrest them!

22. A women can be fined (only after death), for being electrocuted in a bath-tub because of using self-beautification utensils. Wait a minute. Read that again. Go ahead. I'll wait right here.
Done?
Alrighty then. Lets go fine a dead electrocuted woman, now...shall we? But don't bicycle down to the cemetary to do it, and while you are there, for God's sake, don't order an ice cream cone from that vendor there.

In Satellite Beach:
23. Persons may not appear in public clothed in liquid latex. Especially not in green. It positively clashes with your blue eyes. I hear there is a sale at Walmart for liquid latex clothes. Oh, and don't light up any matches near them. I hear they are flammable.


In Tampa:
24. Women may not expose their breasts while performing “topless dancing”.
Wait a minute. Read that one again.
Go ahead.
I'll wait (again!).
I want to meet the person who wrote this law.
Seriously.
I want to see who they PAID to write this law.
And then?
I want to see how the topless dancers dance topless legally.

15. Lap dances must be given at least six feet away from a patron.
Yep. I am SURE the person who wrote the topless dancing law also wrote this one.
Here, honey....I am going to give you a lap dance. Let me climb on this 6 foot stool and you sit under it, okay? Sexy, isn't it??
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I know, that as a law-abiding citizen, you want to run out and sell everything you own and move to Florida after hearing all of these essential laws.
Me too.
But for now?
I think I will just visit there a few times a year and then head home.
But it is a good thing I read them before I leave on vacation. Now that I know, I will not be doing any topless dancing, parachuting on Sunday, giving any lap dances, having sex with porcupines, parking my elephant without filling the parking meter, or falling asleep under the hair dryer while there. The rest of the laws? I'm not so sure.....
I better bring all my credit cards (in addition to the $10.00 in my pockets) to pay the fines...