Ten Things NOT to do if you are a Woman and it is your Fifty-Something Birthday!!

Yay! Its my (ahem) fifty-seventh something birthday today.

So of course, like all old , wise women, I decided to share some birthday insights with all of you.

I know you can't wait.

All my Followers that have read me for a while, know that I love to make "TOP TEN" lists, and since I haven't done one in a long time, I decided to bore you to death with do it today.

TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO DO ON YOUR BIRTHDAY
IF YOU ARE A WOMAN
OVER 50

1. Do not have a mirror in your bedroom. Anywhere. If you can still see, it will ruin your happiness so much that you want to commit suicide self esteem. If you can't see, it will scare the bejeesus out of you when you get up those many, many times to have your one thousandth hot flash and scratch that itch that won't go away go pee.

2. Do not wear short socks at any time. Not only does it make you look like you should be wearing a poodle skirt and loafers and playing hopscotch if you were still able to physically hop , but you can't bend over (no matter how hard you try!!) to put them on, and it will depress you even more.

3. Are you still wearing pantyhose??? Get WITH it, Granny....it is out of fashion. Burn them!! (Or dust with them, they work fantastic cleaning window blinds and fans!) (and if they are white pantyhose, you are BEYOND help, just go fill out your application for THE HOME).

4. Do NOT get a drastic haircut. Or a perm. All old ladies get Kate Plus 8 haircuts and think it makes them younger. Nope. Just makes you look like a wrinkled Kate. And the perms? Only if you want to be a stinky poodle. But DO color your hair. I am so sick of women who think it looks "natural". It does not. It looks old and gray and makes you look older than your ancient self. If you insist on keeping it gray...then wear that pantyhose over your head. (Just don't go into any banks).

5. For God's sake, if you are 50+, do NOT wear low I-see-your-butt-crack- in -whatever position -you-are-in cut jeans or any clothing that exposes your ancient belly. That includes your swimsuit. I don't care if you are anorexic or work out 10 hours a day and you can bounce basketballs off your abs....your belly's had its heyday and wants clothing on it. Less is NOT more in clothing for you. And stop buying those ridiculous clothes in the Junior's section, for the Love of GOD.

6. Buy an industrial strength bra. Run, do not walk and get one NOW. I don't care if you have pancakes for breasts...the frying pan was on an uneven stovetop and baby, they have shifted. And please do not shove them into those pushup hooker bras and have a shelf of flesh wobbling on top of the lace. Those wobbling cleavages have hairline wrinkles that look worse than elephant skin. Oh, and another thing: put on a camisole under those V-necks so we don't have to look at it.

7. And panties? Ok. Don't wear old lady bloomers. But for everyone else's sake, PLEASE do not wear thongs. You are gonna get back spasms from pulling out that baby from the Grand Tetons of your ass, and how are you going to explain THAT to the cute 30-something E.R. Doc?

8. If you are eating the same thing for breakfast like oatmeal or bran cereal: I know who you are! everyday and getting up before 8 a.m. when you don't have to, and then get upset that other people in your life like to sleep in, congratulations, you are officially OLD and cranky . Face it, you have become your mother.

9. If you have calloused heels and bunions the size of golf balls, not to mention yellowish, brittle toenails, oh please oh please do NOT wear sandals or open toe shoes! Do not expose us to that horror. And forget about wearing high heels. People will be holding their breath as you wobble past them. You are one step away from breaking your hip if you wear those babies.

10. Please, I beg of you....do not tell others about what it was like when you were a kid. Do not send them e-mails that talk about being born before microwaves and cellphones and that list the old sitcoms and movies that you remember like I LOVE LUCY and Rawhide. Most others that are ancient old like you probably got 50 of the same emails and the ones that are younger than you don't give a shit and won't know what in the hell you are talking about, and laugh behind your back confirm that you are indeed: OLD!!

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I have more than 10 of these lectures wisdoms, but let's save them for NEXT year, if I live that long, because DAMN! I am old say right around Sept. 5th, shall we????