We have a daily newspaper in our rural area called "The Mining Journal". It is named that because one of the industries that made (and still makes) our area great was (is) mining. We still have active mines in our area, which provides an income for a lot of the population in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.But our newspaper is lacking in sooooooooo many ways.
People visiting from "the big city" often get a kick out of reading The Mining Journal's headlines, small-town stories and ads. I have to admit they are right, but if you take a moment to look at the charm (and humor) the paper provides, it is down right entertaining.
I always look first (okay, second..I look at the obituaries first, like you...don't deny it!) at a section in the paper that has become my favorite. It is called the Marquette Police Report. (The city of Marquette is the largest town closest to us, and it is the home of The Mining Journal.)
Somewhere in the past, some brilliant (?) editor of The Mining Journal must have decided that it was the reader's right to know any and all police calls that may have come into their busy (yeah, right!) station over the past 24 hours.
I have found the paper's daily police report article to be so funny that I have now made group e-mail mailings to several of my relatives and regularly send copies of the police reports to them. Some have begun to send them on to others.Not is it only funny that these reports are true, but it is even funnier the way that they log them for the paper's report. And, it is sometimes just plain hilarious that the people calling the reports in to the police station called them into the police in the first place.
I KNEW you wouldn't believe me if I just told you the content of some of the police reports, so I am attaching them to this blog for you to see them for yourself. (The print is kind of small, so I will copy below them what they said, in case you can't read them. Sorry, when I scanned them I wasn't thinking, so I didn't think to enlarge them then!)
Hopefully, you can see the print. Seeing is believing.
If you couldn't read the small print, it says:
9:27a.m.: person appears to be confused about how debit cards work, 1300 block of N. Third
My comments:
Okay, so that was me. I mean do I push the green button for credit because I don't want to put in my PIN, or do I hit cancel? And why can't they standardize all of those dang machines, anyway???
(No, it wasn't me.......) But, I mean, who calls this into the police? Maybe the clerk was having a bad day? I can hear her now: "If just ONE MORE frickin' customer uses his/her debit card today and asks me which button to push...Well, I am going to...................."
2nd one: )
In case you can't read the small print, it says:
6:30 pm.: wife wants her non-working husband out of house, reported at police station.
My comments:
I think on this one, I am on the wife's side. I mean, call the police and throw the bum out. She only wanted him for the money. The sex was just a perk. And, now that the bum isn't working, well, let's call the police to haul his lazy-ass outta here.
Oh, there are plenty more Police Reports where these came from!
I will try and share more with you again, when they print one that has a report that begs to be shared.Because the world deserves to see them.
Free comedy like this just has to be shared.P.S. I didn't think to cut out another past ad from the same paper (damn!) but it also once had a quarter of a page ad (that's a big-ass ad in our little paper and probably costs around $250.00). The ad said: (honest, this is what it said!) (except for the names, which I changed here):
"The Smith family would like to invite you to a SURPRISE party for Aunt Wilma, who will be turning 70 on Saturday, June 12th. Please join us for her SURPRISE party at the Elk's Lodge from 6 p.m. to 8 p.m. to celebrate her birthday." Please make every effort to make sure Wilma does not know about this surprise party.
"No gifts, please"
My comments?:
Can't Aunt Wilma READ? Are they going to buy every last paper in town so she can't read the ad? And WTF, no presents for her????
I'm telling you, you just can't make this stuff up!
lol thats so funny, but so true about these police reports in town papers. We had one in my home town of Gorham, Maine where we had a home 17 years and some of the "police blotters" were so ridiculous it made you wonder if in fact they were true!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the giggle, oh and hostgator tells me I should be able to access my homeiswherethecarsparked.com site sometime soon, apparently my "theme broke"?
Odd as that sounds.
I love your blog!
LOL I think Aunt Wilma is blind.
ReplyDeleteWould you care for a link exchange cause I would really love to hear more of those police reports (yuor on my list already actually, I was just hoping you'll put my blog on your list too*grins*
And oh, in case you missed it, I have an award for you. :)
This paper is priceless - even beats the one where I began a cadetship in journalism at the age of 15 - 67 years ago! I mean it did have a column called 'Gorokan Gossip' and sent a young cadet to do the courts. Imagine the reputations I ruined with inaccurate reporting.
ReplyDeleteJune in Oz
You need to do this like every Thursday or something...you have such a wit to comment on stuff like this...
ReplyDeleteYou must dooooooooooo it!
And, I think that you should do a giveaway; whoever comes up with the snazziest title for this weekly post wins something!
Am I your agent all of a sudden???
If you don't like my idea I won't cry too much.
But if you really like it then don't post this comment - keep it to yourself! :)
She might be thinking, hmm! There's another Wilma in this town who's an aunt and is having a birthday right around the same time I am! What a small world!
ReplyDeleteOr maybe she's mentally challenged.
Debs: I was wondering what the heck was going on with your site! Haven't been able to get on it and I am going thru withdrawal. Is there a CURE for a broken theme? And what kind of antibiotic does it take? I say, we need to develop a vaccine or something!
ReplyDeletePehpot: Thanks for jumping on as a follower...I will look up your site a bit more and see about that award! Thanks SO much. Is your blog name pronounced PEE-POT? Because that is just too damn funny!
June: Are you moonlighting at our local paper! THAT explains EVERYTHING!!! Good God, woman..is there a job you haven't done?
Insantity Kim: Hmmm..great ideas...I will consider them! I may have to make up an award for some creative thinkers out there regarding the Police Reports. And an Agent? Well, now THERE is an idea! What are your rates?? :-)
Keasie: Two Wilma's? Naw...our town couldn't handle that. I mean, they'd have to call one of them Wilma #1 and the second one: Wilma #2. Who'd want to be called #2? (Would be kind of crappy). Sorry, just couldn't resist!
Oops...mistyped your name Kim---I meant INSANITY KIM.
ReplyDeleteGood God, I am going INSANE!